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“I'’m sick of this. I need to know
how not to become a booty call!”

Question submitted by Mary, Prince Rupert, British Columbia

“I need to know how not to become a booty call.

Can you tell me how to turn a casual relationship into something more?

There is this guy that I have been 'seeing' for about a month now. We hang out three to four days a week and spend the night together at least two times during that week. When we are together everything is cool and it seems like we are dating. Since we have been together, we have had sex a couple times.

As soon as he leaves he becomes very distant and “disappears” for a day or two. Then he will appear out of nowhere and act like nothing happened.

He seems to not be very in touch with his emotions and it is driving me crazy! It makes me feel like this is just a booty call and is meaningless to him. I want something more from him. Is there a way to make this more than just a booty call?”

Relationships take time

A month is not a very long time to need to start “directing it.” However, many women seem to fall into the same trap over and over again. A series of casual sexual relationships without any deeper connection can be draining for someone who’s looking for something a little more substantial. You need to learn how not to become a booty call and how to bring this man deeper into your life.

Of course, all of these ideas and techniques should be done with the utmost in finesse and caution. Pushing a man into a relationship is a surefire way to scare him away. You need to understand you have all the time in the world and if you are cool enough, attractive in many ways, and make him feel great when he’s around you, then the next step will lead to a relationship.

What is a booty call?

Originally, a booty call is one of those late-night phone calls when someone is horny (and possibly a little drunk) wanting to come over for sex. Now, pretty much any relationship that is mainly about sex is labeled a booty call.

The question remains, “am I a booty call?” There'’s a few solid ways to find out:

  • Does the bulk of your time together involve “naked time?”
  • Have you met any of his friends?
  • If he has roommates, have you met them? Does he let you interact with them or does he rush you to his room?
  • Do you do things that don’'t always end with a sexual encounter?
  • Do you do any date things together, i.e. dinner, shows, movies, etc.?
  • Does he ever ask questions about your world or have meaningful conversations about your life?
  • And obviously, does he call late at night wanting to come over

Everyone has clear examples of relationships in their lives. People who are into each other spend a lot of time together. They strive to get to know each other on a deep level. They miss each other when they are apart. They try to keep contact as much as they can.

When any of these elements are missing from a relationship, the sexual side seems to be the only surviving aspect. This can be an ideal situation for a dude who’s “not very in touch with his emotions.” Men, who tend express their emotions physically, feel like they are giving all they can with the sex and don’t need very much else.

Women tend to need much more, but give as much as they can to hold on to an otherwise great guy. Wrong move!

How not to become a booty call

“But if I give him everything he needs, he’ll eventually see how awesome I am and fall in love with me!” Sorry to burst your bubble, but it ain’t gonna happen. At least not that way…

The first step in how not to become a booty call is to minimize the sexual aspect of your interactions. If he realizes that all he has to do is take you out for some tacos and you'’ll have sex with him afterwards, then he will be trained to do “date-like” things to get your clothes off.

Hang out with him a few times, but create situations where you can’t stay for sex or there is no possibility of sex. Sure, you can to all the touching and kissing you want, but you have other stuff going on later and don’t have time for nudity.

This is the true measure of what his intentions are. If he doesn’t want to just hang out or gets upset that you aren’t giving him any, then he only has intentions of making you a booty call! Sure he did all those cute, lovey, great things with you before he saw you naked, but now that he got what he wanted (and continues to) he doesn’t have to work so hard any more. A true measure of a man’s desire to be with you happens after sex, not before. So don’t look at all the sweet things he did for you before you slept with him. Examine how he acts after.

Men are pigs

Sure this is the clichéd way of looking at it, but in all honesty, some guys are. Some guys seem completely normal on the surface, but when it comes right down to it, they are giant newborns always on the lookout for what they can take instead of what they have to offer. If you have done a few sexless dates and he hasn'’t thrown a fit, then you are well on your way to not becoming a booty call.

If, however, this upsets him or he simply refused or excused himself from doing normal things without the promise of nookie, then my dear, you probably have a pig on your hands. I know it hurts, but it’s time to cut your losses and seek out a guy who will care for you and actually mean it.

He’s still here, am I cool now?

No quite yet. It’s still important to create a story with him. Try and bring him along to parties. Try to introduce him to your friends. Try to get invited to functions with his friends. The more you integrate yourself into each other’s lives, the more the relationship grows like in real relationships! If he avoids these types of activities, then you are probably going to become a booty call.

Bottom line, if this tends to happen to you over and over again, then don’t sleep with a guy until after you have met some of his people. If he’s too embarrassed to flaunt you, then he will NEVER turn you into a girlfriend.

Stop allowing booty calls

The “hookup” situation doesn’t happen without both parties consent. Sure, he becomes distant and comes around only when he needs sex. And you have sex with him! Stop it!

So he’s there making his moves, maybe begging a little bit and you’re thinking “well, the sex is pretty good and it’s been awhile…” Back away from the wiener and think a little more long term. But before you get all angry and start telling him how you’re not about to become a booty call, relax a bit. Our goal here is to keep him around. You really should avoid the sex topic altogether and instead work on showing him how cool you are. Don’t know how to do that? Check out our article on turning a booty call into a boyfriend.

Beyond that, there is a perfect book called Rousing the Lion that’s all about putting a man on a quest. Get him actively involved in winning your love and needing to feel like he’s earned the honor of being by your side. Whether this is your first time as a bootycall or it happens all the time, this is some pretty serious information to change the way you approach the whole relationship process.

Be strong

The only way to get what you want (which is a great relationship) is to let things happen slowly and naturally. It does happen, but usually the only way to turn a hookup into a boyfriend after sleeping with him very quickly is to be really good at sex. If you can’t honestly say you got some skills or some special muscle tone that no other girl has, then you are destined to become a booty call by using sex alone. In other words you can’t have more meaningless sex to get a man closer to you…




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