How to Find a Husband: What You Really Should Be Looking for

“I need to know
how to find a husband.”

Question submitted by Gwen, 28, North Carolina:

Hey guys,
I’ve been really depressed lately. I just started dating again after really painful divorce. He was my high school sweetheart and one day, after nine years of marriage, he decided he needs to find himself! Now I find myself reluctant to get back out there, but I know I don't have a choice.
I have been meeting guys, but either they really aren’t my type or they don’t seem like they are great marriage potential. I’m having some fun, but I just want to get this over with and get to my last first date.
I need to know how to find a husband. Where do I find marriage minded men?

~Gwen

Slow down there, Missy!

Gwen,

Do you hear what you are saying with this letter? “I need to know how to find a husband.” Translates to: “I don’t want to live my own life.”

I’m guessing you don’t have much experience with other guys since you married your high school sweetheart. You were with him for probably more than just those nine years; long enough to get your heart broken all over the place. And now you want to dive directly back in to marriage?!!

Where is the part that you go out and find out who you truly are? Where is the random fun that your ex-husband probably never showed you? Where is the part where you acknowledge you had your dreams destroyed but it’s shown you how strong and awesome you are?

Sure, marriage is based on two people becoming one, but it will never last unless both people know who they are and what they want. Figuring out how to find a husband is the last step in this process.

No woman is more unattractive to men than the one who wants to rush towards marriage and children. Guys do not enjoy being thought of as a paycheck and a sperm donor. You are running away quality guys because they can smell desperation on you and it’s a stinky perfume!

By heading straight back for that ring (and safety), you are missing out on some of the best years of your life. By this, I mean the best years of your life. Who are you Gwen? What is your identity besides “wife” and maybe even “mother?” What do you talk to your friends about when you get together? Is it the accomplishments of your husband or children, or is it your own proud moments?

Stop filtering men

How could you really have a type? You married a guy out of high school and probably don’t have much experience on how different men can romance you. You’ve been given a great fresh start. There is no need to categorize men that you don’t honestly know. Say yes to everything (except the real creeps) and take a look into completely different worlds.

Explore your sexuality and your unexpressed emotions. You really need to dive back into the dating world and discover all the fun and wackiness it has to offer. There will be those weird times, maybe even some painful ones, but this is all part of the process of discovering what you need and don't need in a successful and happy marriage.

You can't figure this out if your just obesessed on how to find a husband. You can only do it by experience.

Let me leave you with a few concepts about those men who aren’t marriage minded or your type:

“Non-contestants” can help teach you something about yourself

When you date men that you would never marry, it takes away all the nervous tension of trying to do everything right. You can really let your hair down and play with boundaries since you already know he’s not “the one.” This may sound cruel, but it’s a fact of life that nearly everyone has been in a non-contestant relationship. They are decent company and fulfill all the current needs, but in the end, parting is easy and friendly.

When you allow yourself to just be yourself around another man, you’ll discover that going back to that “wife mindset” is much more difficult. That is what will make you a more desirable wife. Good men are seeking an equal in someone they choose to marry, not a slave or someone who won’t stick up for herself.

You should also look into dating a bunch of guys at the same time. No you don’t have to sleep with all (or any) of them, but if you’re really looking for how to find a husband, you have to screen a ton of applicants.

Non-contestants can teach you about your sexuality

Do you realize that the most your ex-husband ever knew about sex was on your wedding day. Sure, you guys might have mixed it up a bit while being married, but real skills are usually passed on from person to person. The more women a man has been with, the more they start to understand that it’s not about going straight for the sex, orgasming and rolling over to sleep. A man with vast experience starts to figure out that pleasing a woman is the only goal.

It takes being around other sexual partners for a guy to really figure out he’ll get way more pleasure (and ego boosting praise) by unselfishly blowing your mind.

Of course you would never think of marrying this guy. Sex is more like his profession and concepts like monogamy and relationships are like foreign languages, but dammit, he’s gooood at his profession. All of this will come clear the first time your body does something you thought impossible.

Replace “goal oriented” with “knowledge and experience oriented”

When you try to race back to the altar like this, important things like who a man really is and how he plans to direct his life get thrown by the wayside. When you stop saying, “this is who am” instead of, “I wonder where this will take me,” you start to train your mind to play and explore. Only then will the man of your dreams pleasantly fall into your lap, and yes, he might actually ask for your hand in marriage! It's not about how to find a husband. It's about how to find an awesome guy who you want to get married to.

I wish you happiness, Gwen. Now stop treating this like a chore and find some more of that fun you’ve been having!

~Samantha