I am Jealous
So I’m not really stating this as a question more so of just venting my feelings, but I’m open to any and all of advice.
First though I should tell you that I’m recently married.Less than a week recently actually and it’s been a really rocky relationship…
I’m not sure if jealousy is really the word for how I feel or not. Though I’m sure Carter thinks that’s exactly what it is. But jealousy doesn’t hurt, it doesn’t make you want to crawl into a ball and just cry. And that’s how I feel. I don’t really know why I feel that way and for some unknown reason Carter just can’t understand it. He can’t understand what it feels like to know you are the second love of someones life. I’m sure he doesn’t look at it that way because he likes to play out like he never even loved her, but I’ve seen the pictures and I’ve seen the hurt in his eyes when he talks about her…and in my point of view in order to feel the kinda hurt that I know he feels he had to be in love with her. In order have the smile on his face and the look in his eyes he gives to me…to her in those pictures, he had to have been in love with her.
And it just hurts in a way that makes it feel like your heart is being split open to know that you are the second choice to a man that you love with everything you are. It hurts to know that a woman you hate will always know things about that man that you will probably never figure out. My biggest fear is losing him. My second biggest fear is losing him to her. They have a baby together. They gave each other four years of their lives and he makes it out like it’s not a big deal when it is. You don’t give someone that time for no reason. They have a history that time will never erase because of their daughter.
I think one of the things I’m scared most of is that he’ll cheat on me with her. He has said over and over again that the main reason he got with her is because he heard the sex was great and I’ve read the post to his friends, the jokes about how good she is when they first got together.
What if I’m not good enough? What if he wants what only she can give him? They were together all that time. They know each others bodies in a way that I still don’t know his. She knows all the right buttons to push, while I’m still trying to learn them all. I just really wish he understood these doubts and insecurities. Maybe then he wouldn’t get so mad when I get irritated with the situation.
I guess in a way I am jealous. I’m jealous of what they had…