Loving a Man With Trust Issues

by Rose McFarland
(San Jose, CA)

My ex (from just a few hours ago) and I have been together for about a year. But the first 4 to 5 months we were just friends because that's how he wanted it. We both had been hurt several times and his last girlfriend lied a lot.

Even when we were friends, he used to accuse me of not being honest without any just cause. It was sooo hard. Then we fell in love and even talked of marriage.

He searched me on the internet to try to find things about me and didn't find anything.

I have even given him my pass codes to my email, cell phone and, the last thing, my new apartment key just so he would trust me. Because his computer was acting up this morning, he thinks I'm someone who knows computers (and I don't) and is messing up his computer files and things. So he tells me he is tired off all the bullshit and tells me I'm a liar and to leave.

I told him not to do this again. He starts doubting me every 2 to 3 months. This time I'm so hurt. He was supposed to help me move I have 6 days left and now I can't even focus. We were fine the days prior. We did things with his 8 year old daughter and my 11 year old son like always. I'm so hurt for our kids because we are like a family already and now he does this to all of us.

I'm 46 and thought wow this is my true love. What's happening? I'm so so so sad. My son is with his dad this week so he is unaware of our situation. What do I do?

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Loving a Man With Trust Issues

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Jul 28, 2010
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Can you continue??
by: Crystal

I guess the big question is can you continue to be with a man who doubts your every move? Is it worth it?

A relationship needs to be built on trust and if he still can't trust who you, then my guess is he will never trust you. I understand after being hurt in a previous relationship it takes time to gain that trust back. But if you truly want a new relationship to work, a person needs to work on themselves in order to clear away their demons and doubts.

I find that many times when a person is critical in some area in their life, it's a reflection of who they are inside. To me, what you've described sounds like he doubts himself to the very core. Until he can start trusting his choices, he can't trust you.

I understand what it is like when you have children that adore the other partner - I've been there. But they will survive and so will you if you choose to end the relationship and hold out for something better.

So my suggestion is to stop and ask yourself what do YOU want? Forget about him, your child, his child and every one else. Figure out what you want first. A good idea is to sit down and write a list of everything positive in the relationship and everything negative on the other side. Then figure out what you NEED and DESIRE in a relationship. If you still want to try it with him, sit down and communicate how you feel and what you need.

Good luck!
Crystal

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Jul 28, 2010
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Submitted by: Crystal

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I guess the big question is can you continue to be with a man who doubts your every move? Is it worth it? A relationship needs to be built on trust and if he still can't trust who you, then my guess is he will never trust you. I understand after being hurt in a previous relationship it takes time to gain that trust back. But if you truly want a new relationship to work, a person needs to work on themselves in order to clear away their demons and doubts. I find that many times when a person is critical in some area in their life, it's a reflection of who they are inside. To me, what you've described sounds like he doubts himself to the very core. Until he can start trusting his choices, he can't trust you. I understand what it is like when you have children that adore the other partner - I've been there. But they will survive and so will you if you choose to end the relationship and hold out for something better. So my suggestion is to stop and ask yourself what do YOU want? Forget about him, your child, his child and every one else. Figure out what you want first. A good idea is to sit down and write a list of everything positive in the relationship and everything negative on the other side. Then figure out what you NEED and DESIRE in a relationship. If you still want to try it with him, sit down and communicate how you feel and what you need. Good luck! Crystal

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May 15, 2010
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hmm..
by: Anonymous

Being in a long distance relationship, and from a guy's standpoint, it's very easy to become insecure. Marriage is the ultimate goal and should be. As we age, we realize time is running out and that the time we spend with someone is very important. If we foresee that the relationship is not ideal (most of the time it won't be) we begin to become insecure. We want it to work out, but it's easy to pull out. It's a struggle between staying and moving on.

This is where the importance of words comes into play. Once your words begin to lose significance and hint at its transformation into insincerity, the relationship goes downhill. Being in a long distance relationship, words are all we have. Everything we say, has to be very well thought out and then articulated. Believe it or not, writing letters about your emotions and thoughts reveal much about yourself. Once you have it written out... you find yourself deleting... deleting... deleting. The thoughts and words you once thought had a certain effect, just don't. If anything, sometimes, you see that the words lack in so many ways. Sometimes, there's nothing you can say or do to effectively convey yourself honestly and in a way that your partner will receive it as being an honest response.

In that regard, it's easy for guys not to believe time after time when we begin to feel like words are just being thrown out. When feelings are being held back... when thoughts are being suppressed, when the worst possible thing guys can imagine is being hidden. We all know... if there is even a hint of possibility that it's being hidden, it means that it exists.

What to do?

It's an answer we are all looking for. Whether we show more affection... spend more time with him/her... buy more things... say different things... in the end, a relationship based on words/feelings alone will always be fleeting.

There is one way... I believe. And it's worked for me so far. I won't explicitly state it. Just think about what we can base a relationship on. The core of your personality and the reason for everything you do. What is it all centered around? Think about the only constant in the universe that is worth centering your life around. The only solid ground that you have in times of not just trouble... but when your usual own strong self as a human being (applies to the partner too) begins to deteriorate. What do you have left?

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May 15, 2010
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Submitted by: Anonymous

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Being in a long distance relationship, and from a guy's standpoint, it's very easy to become insecure. Marriage is the ultimate goal and should be. As we age, we realize time is running out and that the time we spend with someone is very important. If we foresee that the relationship is not ideal (most of the time it won't be) we begin to become insecure. We want it to work out, but it's easy to pull out. It's a struggle between staying and moving on. This is where the importance of words comes into play. Once your words begin to lose significance and hint at its transformation into insincerity, the relationship goes downhill. Being in a long distance relationship, words are all we have. Everything we say, has to be very well thought out and then articulated. Believe it or not, writing letters about your emotions and thoughts reveal much about yourself. Once you have it written out... you find yourself deleting... deleting... deleting. The thoughts and words you once thought had a certain effect, just don't. If anything, sometimes, you see that the words lack in so many ways. Sometimes, there's nothing you can say or do to effectively convey yourself honestly and in a way that your partner will receive it as being an honest response. In that regard, it's easy for guys not to believe time after time when we begin to feel like words are just being thrown out. When feelings are being held back... when thoughts are being suppressed, when the worst possible thing guys can imagine is being hidden. We all know... if there is even a hint of possibility that it's being hidden, it means that it exists. What to do? It's an answer we are all looking for. Whether we show more affection... spend more time with him/her... buy more things... say different things... in the end, a relationship based on words/feelings alone will always be fleeting. There is one way... I believe. And it's worked for me so far. I won't explicitly state it. Just think about what we can base a relationship on. The core of your personality and the reason for everything you do. What is it all centered around? Think about the only constant in the universe that is worth centering your life around. The only solid ground that you have in times of not just trouble... but when your usual own strong self as a human being (applies to the partner too) begins to deteriorate. What do you have left?

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