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“I've heard about the
No Contact rule after a breakup.
Does it really work?”

Question Submitted by Trishyloo, Dentist, New York, NY

What is the No Contact Rule? I just got dumped by my boyfriend four days ago and there is a lot of people on the Internet talking about no contact. How does it work? Will it help me to get my ex back?

I'm really devastated and I want to call him. I want to text him. I want to go over to his house and cry. I really don't know what to do and doing nothing is killing me. I just want to say "hi," but how to I play this right so I can get him back?

What does No Contact mean?

To put it simply, "no contact" means exactly what it says. Whether you're a guy or a girl, when you get dumped you go through an intense set of emotions. You cry, you can't sleep, you can't eat, you eat too much, you freak out all over the place. Most of us tend to do this all in front of our exes.

The no contact rule simply means, don't talk to him. Don't email. Don't text. Don't Facebook or MySpace him. No calling to see what he's up to. No asking his friends how he's doing. No baking him cookies. No emails full of poetry (guys hate poetry!). Period. Sounds harsh, huh? Why do you do this? One word: Silence is your very best option


Think of it this way. What do you have to say? Do you think any of it will change his mind? Most importantly, will you be doing anything to attract him back into your life? In these dark, depressing moments, people rarely consider why the two of you got together in the first place. Think back to those very first moments. You were cute, he was hunky, the orchestra music started and you floated together into that magical first kiss...

Well, perhaps not that fruity, but you were both attracted to each other. You were both powerful in your presence and had the allure of something new. Him seeing you with your eyes all puffy and snot running down your face begging him to love you will not attract him back. In fact, it usually does the opposite; he confirms he made the right decision.

There is nothing about this moment in your life that can be considered dignified so No Contact helps by not exposing him to that ugly side of you.

What can you do RIGHT NOW?

Besides No Contact, the first thing you need to do is get off the floor and get your head back on your shoulders. I know that seems like it's impossible given all the hurt, betrayal and rage you feel right now, but it is key! Take some quiet time to read the book How to Heal Your Heartbreak. This guide helps explain all the madness that is happening to you. It gives clear and brilliant insight to get you through these horrible times in your life. It's like having a brilliant therapist to help guide you through.


Now is not the time to have pride in one account: "Therapy is for crazy people," while you go completely crazy every where else. Therapy is not for crazies! Your life is flooded with emotion. You're alone, you're vulnerable, you might even be entertaining thoughts of hurting youself. You NEED to talk to a professional.

In times like these, you start to discover who your real friends are (or at least the one's with a truckload of compassion). The problem with leaning on your friends too much is that eventually, even the most loving homies you have start to get run down. They start to secretly dread your phone calls. It's not your fault! No one likes to wallow in misery and you might just be a reminder to them that things aren't perfect in their world either. And since you have the No Contact rule in effect, you better not be using your ex as a therapist.

You need to talk to someone trained to listen. All of your friends are telling you "You'll be OK," and "You'll get back together," or "You'll find someone better," when all you want to do is disappear. The awesome thing about a therapist is that you can say everything to them without fearing judgement.

You can't afford it? Nonsense, most major cities provide free or low cost counseling for people that aren't doing so well. If you can't find one, call a local suicide hotline and ask them to point you in the right direction. Don't take that as an insult either. You probably don't want to kill yourself, but these hotlines are a very good resource.

Back to no contact

So why does no contact work so well? To put it simply, you are giving him the gift of missing you. If he dumped you, he's probably struggling with needing some space. With you calling and texting every few hours, he's not getting his space and he's actually getting more resolved in his decision. He wants space? Give him tons of it!

This is where the whole dignity thing plays well for you. Initially, it's OK to ask for another chance and talk about your feelings, but no more rehashing old conversations after that. Nothing either one of you says is a binding contract so don't get caught up on, "well he said this."

Words are words, but actions are real! He can say whatever he wants, but what he DOES is the only thing that matters. Yet another reason for no contact since many of the things said in these moments conflict with some of the other things he said that make you even more confused. It's best to wait until he's thought things through and can give you the real intention for this break up.

Another great thing about No Contact is that it lessens that helpless feeling. What if you text and he doesn't respond? What if you call and he's "out?" Who's he out with? Where is he?... WHO CARES? (I know you do, but are you seeing how much torture this is?) You're going to feel an overwhelming urge to keep tabs on him: Checking his FaceBook page for updates, calling his friends to plead your case, driving by his house to see if the lights are on. You might not be there yet, but when your head's in a place like this, you start to think any number of dark thoughts.

Is he coming back?

Who knows? You can spend these next few weeks obsessing about this (while maintaining no contact), or you can try to figure out what this means TO YOU. Why did he leave? Is it a situation that can be fixed?

You might be one of the lucky ones where he actually told you what was wrong. If you really want him back, then you have a blueprint to fix things. You need to start making some serious changes in your world. Everyone is fundamentally attracted to someone with goals, but they really love the ones who achieve their goals. What have you always said you were going to do? Now is the time to get up off your butt and put some plans to action!

Always thought about going back to school? Click here to connect to you’re future. Now is the perfect time to learn to cook or take dance lessons or whatever you've been dreaming about. What does this accomplish? EVERYTHING! First of all, it gives you something to take your mind off of your pain. It gives you something to be passionate about. But on top of all of this, it actually gives you something to talk about when HE finally breaks the no contact rule because you have given him all that space to miss you!

Are you really dead set on getting him back? It's time to break out all the ninja skills and get yourself a copy of the eBook, The Magic of Making Up. This book goes through all the things you need to do step by step (including the no contact rule) to get your guy back into your life. It acknowledges all those crazy feelings you're going through and how to put them into constructive things that will actually make you more attractive to your ex.

Take a deep breath

Now is not the time for rash decisions. Get a couple books to read on this subject and whenever you feel the need to break No Contact, just start reading. Look at it this way: if you do nothing, then there's nothing you can screw up worse than it already is.

Doing nothing does not include laying in bed for a month! Get up, take a shower, clean your house, and start working on your future. When he sees how much of a go-getter you are, he will fall for you all over again. Then you can decide if he's worthy of how awesome you are!

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