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I Snoop Through His Phone

I’m Insecure in Relationships so I Snoop Through His Phone

Am I bad for snooping?

From [Name Withheld]
(Via Facebook)

snoop through his phoneI was wondering if you could help me with some questions I have. Okay here is what’s been going on in my relationship: I’m very insecure. I get very upset if my boyfriend texts another female and/or a female texts him and he doesn’t tell me. It makes me feel like he’s trying to hide something.

So at night when he’s sleeping I snoop through his phone. I know what your probably thinking… I really know I shouldn’t. I know I could just ask him to look through it and he would let me. The problem with that is each time I have asked him he gets really upset with me and I quote “I hate feeling like you’re a cop going through my phone looking for something,” or “I wish you would just trust me.”

I have trust issues, I trust him but not 100%. I’m trying to work on that. But he gets mad when I ask so I do it when he’s sleeping to avoid it. Most of the time I don’t find anything which makes me reassured again. (I don’t get why he gets so mad each time if there really is nothing he’s hiding). But anyways tonight I went through his phone again and this time he texted one of his friends, a girl. I do believe it’s one of his friends he’s known since he was a kid, but it made me mad and hurt that he didn’t tell me that he texted her. The conversation went like this exactly.

Him: Are you in Texas City?
Her: No why?
Her: lol I’m at work in this shithole town
Him: Oh I’m working in Galveston.
Him: I haven’t seen you since you’ve been back if you ever come this way let me know we’ll go to lunch
Her: Come up here and take me out to lunch lol. I currently don’t have a vehicle.

That was their conversation… and to be completely honest it made me even more mad and hurt. More hurt then anything really. Why would he ask her to lunch? Why wouldn’t he tell me at least and ask if I would be alright with it? Or at least TELL me that he texted her and asked her to lunch? So could anyone please tell me if I’m tripping over nothing ? Or if I’m overreacting? Or if I should be worried?


The problems with snooping

When you snoop through his phone, it makes him feel like you will never trust him. When people don’t feel trusted, eventually, they go out of their way to prove you right. It’s dumb and people usually regret it, but it’s how our brains work.

That’s not to say this is what he had in mind when he texted an old friend.

Sometimes an orange is just an orange. If you spend all this reckless energy trying to make sure he never talks to any women or trying to delete his friends from his life, things are going to end between you and (as history has always told us), things never end well in relationships like these.Why would he ask her to lunch? WHO CARES!? Why didn’t he tell you? Because he knew you were going to do what you did!

Cheaters–REAL cheaters–know what they can get away with and would have to intelligence to delete any incriminating text messages knowing full-well that you were going to look through it eventually. What he does and who he talks to throughout your day has nothing to do with you. And the fact that you are so anxious about it makes it so there are large parts of his day that he can’t talk to you about just because it involved him talking to another human being that just happens to have boobies.

Jealousy destroys relationships

You admit that you are insecure and that’s a start. But why are you so insecure? Have you been cheated on in the past? Do you feel you don’t deserve this man as a boyfriend? Has a previous boyfriend (or anyone really) made you feel like you are somehow unworthy of love? Has he been a cheating scumbag before?

All of these except if he has previously cheated HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM! Your insecurities are 100% your own. Making him the bad guy in this and all future snoopings only draws attention from the real problem here: somehow, you feel as if you’re not enough. There’s nothing he can say or do to change your mind and that only lead to both of you getting frustrated.

Once you get frustrated in a relationship, you act out to force the REAL argument so that you can be finally heard.

Unfortunately, you are still insecure in relationships so you really can’t hear him try to tell you that he might actually be a totally stand-up decent guy. He might even be the best boyfriend you’ve ever had… but you have these creeping insecurities that make you want to go snoop through his phone. Now you actually have some (pretty weak) proof that he’s cheating on you and you are angry and hurt. But you said it yourself: it’s a childhood friend. I don’t know about you, but I pretty much dated all the friends from my childhood that I found interesting and the rest? The rest are just friends.

Find the root of your insecurities

This entire issue rests firmly on your shoulders. Your jealousy and snooping stem from something you have not dealt with. This is a perfect time to talk to a counselor or therapist and get to the bottom of your fears. BUt I realize going to a therapist is terrifying for some people so the next best thing is to get the best book made on this subject.

We recommend you check out Insecure in Love. It teaches you that if you find yourself constantly on the alert, anxious, or worried when it comes to your significant other, you may suffer from anxious attachment, a fear of abandonment that is often rooted in early childhood experiences. Once you uncover what’s really tugging at your insecurities, you can stop snooping through his phone and start seeing him as the loving, trustworthy, awesome guy that his probably is.

He’s Addicted to Porn

My boyfriend is addicted to porn

Is this normal for my boyfriend to look at porn?

He's Addicted to PornBy Lauren
(via Facebook)

I have been struggling a lot recently coming to terms with the fact my boyfriend watches porn. He assures me it’s a normal thing for guys to do, and that he only does it if we argue or he’s bored. But I can’t help but question if it’s personal about me? Is it because I’m not good enough? Also is it normal? Or is he attracted to the women in the porn. I would be grateful to hear it from someone professional, rather than him assuring me. We’ve been together almost two years, I’m 19 and he’s 21, but he’s had this for a while and he knows it makes me feel insecure, but he assures me it’s normal for a guy to use porn?


Does he love porn more than you?

Let’s start with your first concerns about his porn addiction and how you compare. For guys, looking at porn rarely has anything to do with you. In the internet age where you can type just about anything into a search engine and come up with at least a handful of pornographic results, naked pictures and videos rule the internet. It’s EVERYWHERE!

You can now think of any kind of sexual kink or proclivity and within moments, you can find a website telling and showing you all about it. The fact that it is so easily searchable makes it a reality for just about every man (and woman) with a screen and an internet connection.

The problem arises when it starts to leak into relationships. I want to state this right up front: it’s perfectly normal for you to feel threatened! This man you love spends a portion of his time looking at other women doing things that you might or might not be willing to do and it hurts. The good news is that for most men, they are pretty good at distinguishing fantasy from reality. There probably isn’t a guy alive that isn’t aware of photoshop and that the women depicted in these images are all doctored up in some way. They don’t look at porn and then look at you and think of you less.

It’s kinda sad to admit, but most guys don’t feel anything for the women in porn. You could build software to remove the faces of every woman from every image and it wouldn’t matter. They are mostly more interested in looking at the naughty bits anyway.

Why is that?

Humans are one of three species on this planet that get aroused from seeing others have sex. Some scientists believe it stems from our prehistoric times when monogamy wasn’t really a thing. Basically, if a caveman hears some other cavepeople going at it, he’s excited because he might be next. There are a couple great books about this: the mind-bending Sperm Wars and the excellently researched Sex at Dawn. While you’re at it, The Ethical Slut explains so much more about your sexuality that it’s definitely worth a read!

So dudes are essentially following their genetic drives when they look at porn. It really has nothing to do with you that he’s addicted to porn.

The REAL problem with porn

Although your boyfriend is correct in stating that it’s pretty normal for a guy to use porn, there are limits to this. What KINDS of porn he looks at will give you a deeper understanding at how deep he’s into it. Most men never really stray past the naked lady/regular sex genres. This totally satisfies his caveman urges and he can get on with the rest of his day. If he’s looking at more advanced stuff with very specific things, then he might also have a fetish. All of us on this website think that fetishes are perfectly cool. Some are kinda gross. Some are kinda creepy. Some are just meh, but there are others like rape porn, bestiality, and pedophilia (to just name a few) that are problematic. Besides the illegality of some of it, it’s just plain wrong.

If your boyfriend is getting into darker subject with his porn, then you need to be concerned.

Otherwise, your guy is just kinda doing what most guys his age are doing. If it bothers you, you can ask him never to do it when you’re around and to be civilized about it by never leaving his evidence around.

Other issues in being addicted to porn

Some guys just can’t handle it and take things way too far. Over-consumption of porn can really mess up his life. When you watch too much of any one thing, the brain starts to see it in everything. Pretty soon, he can’t have regular sex with his lovely girlfriend without thinking about it. This leads to a very disconnected sexual intimacy and might also cause erectile dysfunction.

The book, Your Brain on Porn has fascinating insight on how it affects so many people’s lives. If you’re really concerned about your boyfriend, this is where you should start.

For now, it’s there and it’s annoying, but he’s not doing it to hurt you. He might or might not be addicted to porn, but it’s not getting into any weird places. And for the most part, it shouldn’t have any affect on your relationship… as long as he doesn’t take it too far!


 

Going back to a rebound relationship

Will a guy ever go back to a rebound relationship?

The dynamics of rebound relationships

By Eve H.
(Via Facebook)

back to a rebound relationship“Hello! so I’ve been reading so many articles and talked to friends, searched high and low, and genuinely need some advice. I was hooking up with a guy for around 4 months pretty consistently and right before me he got out of a two year relationship. It was obvious we both clicked and were really into each other from the beginning. Then by the third month I finally told him I didn’t know if I could hook up with him anymore because I felt like I was starting to like him.

I hoped he would say the typical “I like you too let’s date blah blah” but instead he said something along the lines of “well if you feel that way your probably right we shouldn’t hookup, but we should definitely still hang out, I’m just not ready to go into anything right now after everything I’ve been through if you know what I mean” and from then on out for the last two months after it was a crazy battle of games with us one-upping each other through booty calls, who could ignore who, who would give in and call the other, just a bunch of drama. He would booty call me I would say fuck off and on and on the toxicity went.

Now I have stopped talking to him for a couple months and realized I was the rebound girl. I am left here in shock not understanding how I could feel a certain way with someone and them not feel the same way back but spend all this time with me and hook up with me for so long.

My big question to you is, is it possible for him when he is no longer emotionally unavailable to come back to me, the rebound girl, when he is ready to date again since we clicked so well, and try to have something more serious with me? I just don’t understand how some people say “no you were the rebound, the stepping stone for someone else” well why was I the stepping stone and why can’t he come back to me when we clicked so well and I know he was into me? That is what I just do not understand and am so mind fucked about. Guys suck.”


What is a rebound relationship?

Rebound relationships happen. They happen all the time! People get out of a failing relationship and fall directly into a new one. Most of the time, they do this without allowing themselves proper time to heal. He or she might have significant damage from the past relationship either through the plain old brutality of going through a breakup, maybe there was some kind of emotional abuse (or worse). Or maybe it’s that shattering realization that the person you just entrusted your entire future into was not very kind with this precious gift.

Things end in varying degrees of devastation and this lovely person you just met comes shambling into your life and is about to do a whole bunch of damage.

So you got a guy who’s made you the rebound? There are millions of reasons to hop directly into another relationship and, unfortunately, none of them are very valiant:

  • He’s never been alone before and doesn’t know how to deal.
  • He’s in a lot of pain and needs some loving to make him feel better.
  • He’s afraid of going back to his ex and needs something to prevent this weakness.
  • He’s trying to prove or disprove all of the awful things she said about him when they broke up.
  • He’s trying to make himself happy again but this is the only way he knows how.
  • He thinks this is the only way to make himself feel better.
  • He could just be really selfish and doesn’t really care about who he hurts.

Then fascinating little you shows up with all your cuteness and he falls into you like a teddy bear and you are more than willing to let him in.

Then things get serious! He realizes that either he or you are developing feelings and that’s the last trap he wants to find himself in! He pushes away, but he still needs you for emotional validation. And you (because you think he’s fantastic) allow him to hold on but at this new arms-length place in his life.

Can a rebound relationship ever be more?

Let me ask you a question. Is there someone in you life that you have labeled in any particular way? Maybe it’s a friend that you only tolerate because she has a boat or access to something you love. Maybe it’s a friend of the family who adores you but you only see him as a big brother. What would it take for that person to make you think differently about them? Not much, right? When the human mind comes up with a label  or classification for something in it’s life, that label tends to stick. It’s almost impossible to get someone to think of you a different way once they have made up their mind about you.

Why would he consider you girlfriend material when he gets to experience you the way you two have been getting along without any of the scary emotional attachments and obligations that come with it? You are the perfect girl right now! Sex, witty bantering, more sex, and then days or weeks of not thinking about you. Obviously, you are getting something out of this also, but you are also wanting strings attached. You want more and this makes him “punish” you by waiting longer to call the next time.

I said ALMOST impossible, right?

That’s right! there is a glimmer of hope for the girl who is the rebound girl who wants an actual relationship. Why would he possibly go back to a rebound relationship?How can you convince someone that you are actual relationship material also?

You have to show him what he’s missing. This isn’t something you can do in person either. He already knows how well you two click together and how much fun you have in each other’s presence. Now all you have to do is take it away. Take it all the way away! Once he realizes that this fun, sexy, disarming presence is completely gone from his life, his brain will start to deconstruct all of the time you spent together. This will magically make all the labels he’s given you fade away. He will start to just see you as you and not see you for the bucket he’s placed you in.

This feels impossible, I know, because you are losing a friend in the process. Plus it feels like you are just being cruel to him for not giving you what you really want. And if you really want to apply some logic to this scenario, you kinda did know what you were getting yourself into. You eventually knew about his ex and what place she held/destroyed in his life. Now is not the time to listen to excuses. Just say goodbye and wait a month or two. If he never calls back, he really didn’t care. If he does, he might come back looking through new lenses that allow him to see the full you and not just that you are his rebound relationship.

In the meantime, you are given the gift of time to make yourself even more desirable when you two finally do reconnect. Get a gym membership. Learn something new. Do whatever you can to become even more irresistible to this guy. And most of all, take care of your heart!


 

Woman Looking for a Man

Where to start when you’re a woman looking for a man

How to find a guy

woman looking for a manBy Tiffany S.
(via Facebook)

“I’m a woman looking for a man but I have no idea where to start. I just recently got out of a 20 year marriage and you can pretty much guaranty that I have no idea where to start when it comes to dating. Before I was married, I had just one other relationship and that was my high school sweetheart. We broke up soon after I went away to college and I met “Jack” only a couple short weeks later.

After 20 years, we finally and amicably decided to call it quits. I just moved into my own apartment 3 months ago. I’m a free woman! But after years of fantasizing about being single in the big city, sadly, I haven’t met a single guy who holds my interest. I’m starting to realize I’ve never had to “date” anyone. Both my relationships just fell in my lap and happened quickly.

So here I am, a not-so-bad-looking single woman looking for a man but I’m kind of paralyzed. I don’t know if I can handle rejection or what to do if the guy turns out to be a nutjob. I’m not sure where to even go to find a decent man to get to know.

I know it sounds crazy, but do you have some step-by-step advice on how to meet guys?”

Continue reading

What Does it Mean When He Ignores Me?

He Ignores Me

He acts like he wants me then disappears

he ignores meSarah
(via Facebook)

I need advice…

I’m dating a military man who’s been the best person I’ve dated since my divorce three years ago. I have three boys and had to divorce due to him being physically abusive to us the last six years of our marriage

The man I’m dating now though seems like he’s afraid of commitment or something… He ignores me a lot. When I back off, he chases me. I’ve met his daughter and he’s met my kids. It’s been three months dating each other. I have told him I would like to see him more than once a week. On his days off, he says he’s busy and doesn’t even answer my calls. Then he will text me the next morning to tell me he loves me.

I’m very confused. I don’t know what to do since I’ve tried telling him how I feel more than once. He just says he’s an introvert. Yet he ignores me on Facebook but doesn’t do it to anyone else. He tells me I’m insecure and that I’m worth it… That he loves only me. I’m just so lost.. What should I do??


Our Relationship Issue Advice for You

By: Samantha

Distant guys can make you so crazy!

On one hand, they make you feel like a princess and then the next moment, you turn around and they’re gone like a ghost. How does a girl get a guy to stay present and make you feel like you actually mean something to him?

It’s a difficult question to answer since there are so many factors involved here (as there are in all of our lives). He’s in the military so he’s got this constant obligation to attend to. He’s got a daughter who has her own demands on him. Plus he’s got all the other “life things” to handle on a daily basis. So how does a girl get a distant guy to step up to the plate and show you the love he SAYS he has for you?

The best thing to do when he ignores you

Dump him.

That’s right, DUMP HIM! The old saying of “you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone” holds true for just about every human being on this planet. You have a guy who says all of these lovely things, but then vanishes when you are getting used to feeling all that loving goodness. Make no mistake, unless you truly believe he’s stupid, when he ignores you, it’s a deliberate act.

Let me explain. Have you ever been in a relationship that you would push everything in your world aside just to be with the one you love? Dudes have the exact same feelings or capabilities to feel this way too. I don’t doubt that he loves you. He just doesn’t love you enough to put any real effort into it… or he just might be the guy who NEVER puts that much effort into his relationships.

One other option is that he really just doesn’t care that much. He’s giving you the bare minimum just to keep you around so he gets an outlet for sex and feels like he’s normal just because he can say he has a girlfriend.

What’s the best way to find out? DUMP HIM! Hooray!!!

This will help you to determine just which kind of guy he is.

  • If he really loves you, he’ll come crawling back and this gives you the perfect opportunity to set some ground rules: “I need communication EVERY DAY” “I need you to at least tell me good night every night” etc. A dude who really loves you will do what you ask because he now realizes how he’s taken you for granted. Make a list of your needs and let him know.
  • If he’s just lazy, he’ll make a half-assed attempt to get you back and then return back to ignoring you. Now you’ll know he’s that kind of guy and you can determine if the semi-love he’s giving you is enough or if you want MORE!
  • If he doesn’t care, he accepts the break up and moves on. Think of how much pain you’ve just avoided by having this confrontation now instead of five years from now…

You play a part in this too

Think about it. You said you’ve just gotten out of an abusive relationship. The first guy who comes along and shows you kindness is like a savior! Now you want more more MORE and he just might not have it in him. Sure, he’s got the kindness part down and might actually have some real feelings inside him, but all the other needs you have just might be too much for him. His solution: he sees you once a week and then he ignores you the rest of the week.

He could just be trying to teach you to not be soooo needy.

Only you know for sure if you are getting a little too wrapped up in this, but it’s always a good idea to look at yourself whenever you’re wondering, “Why is he ignoring me?” He might just be a good guy with some very basic needs that can really only give so much. And seriously, when you come from a place of fun instead of need, a man will make time for you as much as he can.

I would always recommend reading a relationship advice book that empowers you into becoming a woman he could never ignore rather than one that simply blames it all on him.


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Click here to ask your own question or scroll below to add a comment.

5 Reasons Psychologists Say Players Are Mentally Unstable

Why do Players act the way they do?

what players don't want you to knowWhen we think of a “player” we generally think of them as being cool and confident. Nothing seems like it could stir such a person because they are just so confident in themselves. The reality however is that just like faces in clouds are just an illusion, the idea of players as being cool and confident people is also an illusion.

A convincing illusion… but an illusion none-the-less.

The psychologist Jed Diamond, author of “The Irritable Male,” says that despite this illusion of confidence, players “are very insecure about their lovability”. It turns out that more often than not, the over-attempt to appear confident and strong by players …is actually a compensatory measure for other problems lurking under the surface.

Let’s now take a look at what these problems can be…

5 Things Every Player Doesn’t Want You To Know About Them

  1. Addictive Character: Nando Pelsui, psychologist, says “Anything intermittent has an addictive quality for humans”. Pelsui applies this principal to how the mind of a player works. Even the best of players can’t get a woman every single time they try. When they will next bed a woman is not certain and could happen at any time. This sets up playing around as a “game” in the mind of a player …and games can be addictive. The problem is that if you are a players next woman, you are only ONE woman. You are just ONE way for the player to get his fix for his addiction before he will inevitably go looking for another fix from some other woman.
  2. Seeking Acceptance: Psychologist Jed Diamond says that guys who like to play around often are the product of a single parent family where the father absconded and left. This absence of a parent can have the effect on some people of making them feel they were not accepted by that parent. People will often look for ways to compensate for this and make themselves feel accepted. Some people become love addicts, others become players. Sleeping with lots of different women becomes a method of getting acceptance. Players therefore are often subconsciously only looking for acceptance rather than a healthy and fulfilling relationship.
  3. Compensating For Insecurities: Psychologists state that the more obsessed someone becomes about a certain thing or activity, the likelihood is that they are using that thing to compensate for some other area of their life that is lacking. For example, the more obsessed someone is with work and working long hours …the higher the likelihood is that person is trying to hide from a relationship situation at home, lack of social life outside work or some other unknown factor. Players are no different. The more eager a player is to sleep with lots of women, you can be guaranteed that guy is trying to cover over some insecurity in their life. They may have an insecurity with their looks, their education level or their career etc. The problem is that a relationship based on one person using the other to compensate for insecurities is not a healthy relationship.
  4. Stuck In A Past Relationship: One of the reasons that a player can jump from one woman to another is because they don’t tend to get as emotionally tied to a person they are dating like most people do. Why is that? Are they monsters? Often the reality is that a player was once madly in love with a woman, that relationship ended for someone reason …and the player never got over it. They are still in love with that woman from their past. This is why years later they find it difficult to get to like someone new – they are still thinking of their old flame. The reality here is that it is never a good idea to begin a relationship with a guy who is still in love with an ex from their past.
  5. Trying To Fill A Void: Everyone tries to make themselves feel worthy in some shape or fashion. Some work hard on getting a good career, meeting good friends, having a good family life …and this makes them feel satisfied in life. However, some people feel worthless and empty no matter what they do in life. There is a constant emptiness inside them. So what can these types of people do to relieve their emptiness? Randi Kreger, author of “Walking On Eggshells” says that people who suffer from chronic emptiness tend not to seek out intimacy …but instead seek out “compliments, admiration and respect”. They tend to look for quick fixes …rather than long term solutions that actually work. Players fall into this category. Players often think quick fixes will fill up their emptiness and often can’t see that a better fix would be a stable long-term relationship.

 Now, while it is possible to make a player fall in love with you (and settle down) the reality is that to do so, you have to successfully overcome a whole host of potential problems lurking in their psyche. And unless you are a psychologist (and a good one at that) you can never be completely sure that you have identified every single potential issue this guy has AND successfully helped him overcome it. It may not be until you find out he has cheated on you that you realize …you missed something in his psyche that you hadn’t taken into account.

john-alex-clarkJohn Alex Clark is a Relationship & Life Coach. He is the founder of the website RelationshipPsychology.com. He is best known for his expertise in the field of Lovemaps, the field of study of how to make someone fall in love with you. He is the author of the relationship programs “The Lovemap Code” and “The Erase Code.”

Why can’t he trust me?

Why can’t he trust me?

Why does my husband think I’m cheating on him?

Why can't he trust me?Melissa
(Massachusetts, USA)

I got married to the man of my dreams… at least for a little while!

It’s been four years now and I have been completely faithful to my husband the entire time. I haven’t even let any guys in close enough for me to even look at them differently. Cut to several months ago when he started accusing me of having an affair with his best friend. Seriously?!! His best friend? We talk and laugh, but that’s only because he’s my husband’s best friend! Am I not supposed to try and get along with him?

That issue was finally put to rest last month when, after months of his suspicious accusations, I made him confront his best friend.Obviously nothing was happening and his friend made that totally clear. I was pretty sure that this would be the end of it, but…

Now he tells me he has visions that I cheated on him. He has created this whole weird (and completely false) story of me not coming home one night two years ago. What is going on with the guy I married? Why can’t he trust me all of the sudden? Is it insecurity? Is he losing his mind? It seems like this… thing happened in his mind and now he thinks I’m cheating on him.


Our Relationship Issue Advice for You

By: Sara

First off, Melissa, you should probably check out this article on the 11 signs of cheating to get some idea what you’re dealing with.

It states plainly right there that one of the signs someone is cheating is that they might have cheated themselves. It’s like that first time you ever had sex. After that, you kinda knew everyone else was doing it. That goes for cheating also. In a moment of weakness, your guy could have done something he feels guilty of and to make himself feel better, he’s positive you’ve done it too.

If there really was nothing that led up to him thinking you cheated on him, then something happened in his world that put the idea in his head.

Please don’t let this serve as definitive proof that he’s actually the cheater. It isn’t. It just could be the easiest answer to your questions. Otherwise, what are your other options as to why can’t he trust you?

  • He’s always been jealous and it’s now just coming up
  • He has been cheated on in the past and is terrified it might happen again
  • You might be “out of his league” and he knows it so he’s going to do anything he can to protect his “property”

You asked if he is losing his mind. Unfortunately, this might not be so far fetched. The beginning stages of some mental disorders include paranoia. Here is the part where you ask yourself, “How much do I love this man?” If you can answer without hesitation that you love him more than anything, then it’s time to go see a counselor. There seems to be no way that you can erase these thoughts from his head, so it’s time to bring in the big guns and see if a professional can make things right for him.

I recommend the book: Trust Issues: Manage the Anxiety, Insecurity and Jealousy in Your Relationship, With 10 Simple Steps

It’s a difficult place to be in when someone you love can’t trust you for whatever reasons, but if you are dedicated to love (and if he is too), then you will find the underlying answer as to “why can’t he trust me?”


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Click here to ask your own question or scroll below to add a comment.

 

Is he worth dating? 10 ways to tell…

Is he worth dating? 10 ways to tell if he will be a good boyfriend…

“How do I know if a guy is worth dating?”

Is he worth dating?What does he tell you about getting into a relationship?

It’s so common for women to meet a man who tells her that he doesn’t want a relationship but the woman continue to pursue him, hoping that she’ll be able to change him. This is recipe for disaster. I’m not saying that there aren’t men who say that they want a relationship when they really don’t but if he’s telling you that he doesn’t want one then trust him. He’s not playing hard to get and you probably won’t be able to change him, move along and find someone who actually wants to be with you. Because that’s what we want, right? A man loves us and wants to be with us. You will know is he worth dating and if he doesn’t want to be with you, he’s not good enough for you.

How does he treat service personnel?

When you’re on a date with a guy he does his best to impress you so you’ll get the best version of him. If you want to know his true colors look at how he treats people who he considers to be below him (waiters, taxi drivers, people handing out flyers etc.). Or better yet, look at how he treats his mother. His mother is his first female relationship and it’s the one he models all his other relationships with women from.

How does he react when he wants to get physical and you slow want things down?

A man who’s just in it for sex will be very hesitant to slow things down. Don’t be mistaken though, even good guys can be disappointed if you tell him you want to wait (that’s their instinct after all, we can’t blame them for that). The important thing is that he doesn’t make you feel guilty for saying ‘no’, that he doesn’t give you an ultimatum and that he doesn’t become aggressive (either with actions or words).

Does he lie about the little things?

Does he tell you he’s almost at your house then you find out he had just gotten out of the shower? This lie might seem insignificant but that also means that there wouldn’t be much trouble for him to tell the truth. For our brains there is no difference between white lies and big lies so if his integrity is weak then it’s much easier for him to lie about other, more important things as well.

Does he keep looking at his phone?

I know most of you will think that this is a sign that he’s seeing other women and while that might be the case the questions I want you to ask yourself is; is he present with me? Does he listen to me when I tell him things that matter to me? If his phone is more interesting to him than you are he won’t be very invested in the relationship. Maybe you’re not his top priority just yet but you should at least be more important than his phone.

He is too nice?

Sure, being nice is a good thing but if someone is being too nice that should be seen as a warning flag. Even if you find a perfect boyfriend you will disagree on some things and smaller arguments can be good because they show you that he’ll be around even if things get tough. Someone who’s overly careful not to cause any drama won’t be committed to all aspects of a relationship.

Does he ask questions about you?

A guy who only wants sex is very careful not to ask any questions about you; he doesn’t want to become involved in your life and his very protective of the distance between you two. It’s OK, and even beneficial, to have your own hobbies and your own life but he should be interested to hear about them. When we like someone, wanting to get to know them more comes naturally.

Is he nice about people he used to date or be friends with?

Even if you do your best in a relationship, sometimes it doesn’t last. If he is rude about all of his ex-girlfriends you can be pretty sure that he’s going to be rude about you too if things go south. Besides, we all have that one crazy ex but if all his exes are crazy then maybe he’s the crazy one.

Does he back up his words?

Your mother was right; actions do speak louder than words. I’m all for compliments and nice words but if he promise you things that he doesn’t deliver on then that’s a problem. This guy is likely using you because he doesn’t want to do any work or put in any effort into the relationship but he wants to make sure that you are just happy enough to stick around. You don’t need this guy in your life.

Is he interested in meeting your friends and family?

When we really like someone we want to know not just who they are but how they became who they are, we want to be a part of different aspects of their lives. This is similar to point seven; is he showing you that he’s interested in who you are as a person and in your life?

Is he worth dating? How well did he score on this list?


Karolina Lind is a body confidence, sex & relationships coach. Her passion is in helping women connect with their self-worth and find relationships that reflect that. Hear her talk on YouTube or check out her blog for more tips and insights.


 

His friends are women

How am I supposed to feel when his friends are women?

Ginger, 50, dietitian
(New England)

what if his friends are women?I have been seeing a man since I was divorced 18 months ago. We are both in our early 50’s. I have known this man (never married, no children) for over 21 years. We used to work together. Up until we started dating, we were only friends.

Over these past 18 months – we have spent increasing time together and have spent nearly every night together over the past 10 months. We have taken 6 trips together and I have learned that I am the ONLY woman he has EVER introduced to his family. I do know that he has has several long term relationships and there have been two women he has wanted to marry but due to differences in cultural backgrounds, his mother refused to meet them. She is now deceased but in the beginning of our courtship, he drove me to the cemetery to show me her grave and I have since met his father, siblings and extended family.

Now, we have decided to sell each of our homes and buy a new place together.  Seems so wonderful, right?  I am very aware that I have insecurity issues and am working on that in therapy. However, sometimes I find that I am concerned about certain situations and am unsure if this is insecurity/needless anxiety OR if this is truly something to be concerned about.

  1. Whenever I say I love him, he will say “that’s so sweet of you to say,” later explaining that he doesn’t know how to talk about feelings and adding that because he is with me 99% of the time (when we are not working), that should let me know how he feels.  He did, however, say that he loved me ONE time (when he thought I was upset with him).  Is this true–that some guys just cannot talk feelings? I am aware of my neediness but at the same time, am I blowing this out of proportion?
  2. This is the real upsetting issue. He has a female friend of approximately 25-30 years. They have never dated or been physical; she is married with a child and he knows the husband, too. Once a month or so, they go out – along with a few of HER female friends. They all like to drink and my man does not so he is their designated driver. He always tells me when they’re going out and he always comes back to my house after.

This entire situation makes me literally sick. Yes I have trust issues as well but is this something a secure woman would accept? I work on Saturday evenings so this is why I am not included although he’s said that if I didn’t work, I could join. I have met all of his male friends/wives except for this small group. I have told him that I don’t like it but that I will not tell him what to do just because his friends are women. But feel that I cannot keep saying it repeatedly.   I try to help myself by thinking that he was not in a relationship with her before, so why now? She has not met his family either.

I know he dated a few of her friends (not relationships, just dating) in the past and I obsess about this as well. He has told me that this girl is his link to his old neighborhood pals (he is not involved with social media) and that it’s all innocent and in fact he would not be jealous if I went out with a bunch of guy friends because he trusts me. So… I know I am insecure and needy and I have trust issues and I am very diligently working on resolving these BUT I would like to know (from a MAN’s perspective and/or from a secure person’s perspective) if I really am making something out of nothing here. Thank you.


 

Our Relationship Problem Advice for You

By: Roberto

It’s not really your fault that society has made all of us uncomfortable with having friends of the opposite sex. I, myself, have many excellent friends who are women and we hang out by ourselves all the time! That doesn’t mean it hasn’t created turmoil in some of my relationships…

I usually have to make this clear from the very beginning that a lot of my very close friends are women and if you have a problem with that, then leave now. I’m not going to lose life-long friendships because the person I choose to love feels insecure. Let’s look at the way things usually happen:

  1. A man and woman meet
  2. If either or both of them are willing and available, they try to start something
  3. They are either successful or not
  4. They date or they never talk to each other again

OR

  1. A man and woman meet
  2. They figure out that they are either in relationships and can’t pursue a romance
  3. OR they discover that they really like this person, but don’t think of them romantically
  4. OR they have the self-awareness to realize that they might be awful in a relationship together
  5. OR they simply don’t care if this person is of the opposite sex
  6. They become friends

Men and women can be friends! Men and women can be alone with each other and not try to have sex with each other because it never crosses their minds! Sure, there are people who are life-long serial cheaters, but unless this man gives you a very specific reason to mistrust him, then your only other option is TO TRUST HIM. It is important to realize that nearly all cases of jealousy stem from the jealous person’s own issues. It has nothing to do with their significant other.

Now if he’s showing any signs of cheating, then you have every reason to freak out. If not, then you have to just learn to love him and trust him.

I actually think the bigger issue here is that he can’t tell you he loves you. Now is the perfect time to sit him down and tell him that his girl-friends make you feel jealous, but it wouldn’t if you knew for sure–out of his own mouth… repeatedly–that he loves you, it wouldn’t be so hard for you to take.


 

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Has he lost interest in dating me?

Has he lost interest in dating me?

Seeker, Business Owner
(Charlotte, NC)

has he lost interest?I met a guy through some mutual friends a little over a year ago. The first time we talked on the phone, he invited me to his brother’s wedding. I didn’t feel comfortable going since we had never met.

We finally met in person a few months later at our friend’s wedding rehearsal. We were paired up for the wedding. We talked while we danced at the wedding. After the dance, he came back to the table with me and we talked some more. The entire time we were talking he was either rubbing my arm or my back with his hand. At the end of the night, he hugged me and kissed my cheek. He told me that he would call me to make plans to get together again when he was back in town (he lives about 2 hours away form me).

We went to the movies. I had a good time. As we were leaving the movies, he hugged me again. He asked me to come to his place the following month for his birthday. He said a bunch of his friends would be there for a party. I did not go. I just wasn’t comfortable with going to his place since we didn’t know each other that well.

We continued to talk on the phone occasionally. He invited me to go to his company Christmas party. This time I accepted. Towards the middle of November, he tried calling me to make sure that I still wanted to go and to let me know for sure what day it was. He couldn’t get a hold of me because I had a family emergency. One of my family members had a massive heart attack and was in the hospital in critical condition. I sent him a text to let him know what was happening. He stayed in touch with my best friend to see how I was doing.

I knew that he was coming to town for Thanksgiving to spend the holiday with his family. To my surprise, he showed up at the hospital with flowers. He told me that he had been worried about me and wanted to see if there was anything that he could do. He stayed for a little while. He told me before he left that he would completely understand if. I decided not to go to the party and he would not be mad. I did decide not to go to the party.

He also told me that I could call him anytime day or night if I needed anything or just wanted to talk to someone. I thanked him for coming to see me and for the flowers. I told him that him being there meant a lot to me. I told him that I didn’t think that it would be fair to him if I went to the party. I knew that I would feel guilty for leaving my family and wouldn’t be good company. I didn’t want to ruin the party for him by being distracted and worried about what was going on at home. I just wanted him to have a good time.

Then I didn’t hear from him for a while. I thought that I might have made him mad or hurt his feelings. Later when I did hear from him, he told me that he had been trying to give me time and space to deal with things without him “bothering” me. He said he figured if I wanted to talk I would call him. He told me that he knew that I wanted and needed to be with my family and that he wasn’t mad. He had really wanted me to go but understood and respected my decision.

We have tried to make plans to get together other times when he is in town but the timing hasn’t been good. I recently cancelled some plans with him again. I felt horrible and sent him a text apologizing. I told him that I would completely understand if he was mad or even hated me and didn’t want to hear from me again. I know I should have talked to him on the phone. I guess I was just afraid that he was mad and wouldn’t want to talk to me. Anyway, I got a reply from him saying that he understood and he was not mad at me at all and that he accepted my apology. He hasn’t been calling me as much as he used to.

I guess my question is, has he lost interest in dating me? Could I have ruined my chance with him?


 

Our Dating Advice Answer for You

By: Samantha

Holy cow, this guy likes you sooooo much!

He has tried over and over to get things started with you and either lousy timing or your endless ability to say no to any plans has not stopped him from trying to get into your life. The guy drove to meet you in the hospital with flowers! He never once made you feel guilty for declining just about every offer he has made! He’s being incredibly patient with you.

Why?

Because he really wants to go out with you!

Meanwhile, you’re feeling guilty that you hurt his feelings when you should feel guilty that you are wearing his crush for you into the ground. You still have a chance, but you are definitely going to have to make a move toward him. Call him right now and make plans to go to wherever he lives and have a fun night with him. It’s entirely possible that after this long, you actually could have ruined your chance to be with him. Someone cute who lives in his town (who’s not likely to flake on plans) might be trying to romance him as we speak.

But one thing is clear, he has made a serious commitment to try to get to know you. He’s not going to bail on all his hard work if there’s even a slight chance it might pay off. Don’t mess up your chances to be with a really sweet and attentive guy. They are kind of rare lately. Has he lost interest in dating you? Probably not yet, but he’s getting very close.

Make your move!!!


 

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I’m still grieving over my ex

I’m still grieving over my ex

by Laura L.
(Florida, USA)


still grieving over my exI had a 3 year relationship with this guy who treated me badly and was abusive because he used to be an abused child himself. But since I had a low self esteem and my own issues when I was growing up, I went on with it. I loved him tremendously and suffered a lot.

Then he finally broke up with me. I was devastated. He told me he didn’t love me anymore and that he didn’t want to be with me anymore. After a month I met a new guy and he wanted to start a relationship with me but it was very difficult for me since I was still grieving for my ex. But he treated me so nicely, was so kind and gentle and I felt like his words were healing my wounds so I continued going out with him without committing to start a new relationship. I didn’t know if this was just a rebound relationship or I truly liked that man.

Anyway, after another month, my ex called and he wanted me back. I felt torn apart, I was just starting to rebuild my life and I didn’t know what to do. I was also feeling a great need of helping my ex as he was heartbroken and very depressed. I know all this wasn’t healthy, that I should have been stronger and not consumed by guilt and needs of acting like a rescuer but I was really confused about what I should do.

I knew getting back with my ex would mean that I would have to be constantly in pain again as I knew he wouldn’t change. So finally I told my ex I couldn’t get together with him again, but that I will be there for him as a friend. I know this isn’t healthy either but I couldn’t help myself.

Meanwhile I told the new guy what it’s going on and that I need a break to figure out what to do. Nothing worked, of course. My ex didn’t respect the boundaries I had put and I wasn’t decided enough and strong enough to defend them either. And the new guy felt frustrated and wanted more, so I finally decided to end any communication with the new guy and now I am trying to fight to move on whilst still talking to my ex.

I know it is said that this wont work out, but I hope it will and when I will be strong and in peace again I will have transformed the love I feel for my ex in a fraternal love and I will be able to move on and have a new boyfriend without feeling guilty or like I’m betraying anyone. I think that you just as me had the tendency to see the new guy’s behavior as perfect as opposed to what we lived.

In my case the new guy had some issues also, whilst we were in a break, he started criticizing me for several things, but I figured he might do that to protect himself. Still, sometimes I feel I blew the chance of my life to be happy and to be with someone who would treat me right, but I think also that we should concentrate more in being happy with ourselves and moving on from our pains and only then to start something new, otherwise we might get a distorted view of the reality and make wrong choices again and again, but it’s so hard since I’m still grieving over my ex.


 

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Rekindling after all these years

Rekindling after all these years

Reimi
Japan

rekindling after all these yearsAfter deep thinking, I decided to look for somewhere to share my story not much to get advised but mostly to share. To say it out and see what your dear readers would think of it… I’ve always believed only in my way of thinking things through so I couldn’t share it with close people.

I met this guy during high school. I was 15 and he was 19. Both of us were really mature kids. We liked each other silently. He saw it in my eyes and his eyes and actions showed me too. Later it got complicated and the year after he stood in front of me and confessed that he loves me. I told him I hated him joking that way and then i left.

At that moment he didn’t seem too serious to me and sometime before that he did something that did hurt me. So me being me, even in the moment I waited for for so long, I considered my pride first. I left and we never spoke again

Three years later, I heard he left the country and went to study abroad. He met this girl and got married and had a daughter. I decided to come to peace with my own self and let him go from my memory and wish him the best… and so I did. I left the country too, went looking for adventure, new experiences and mostly love.

I got a boyfriend and it turned out to be the worst experience of my life. I made my self believe i was over my ex, and that I’m totally into this guy. So I changed to this sad faced girl that can’t feel her soul anymore I tried to forget who I was and became like all these normal people. I lost my identity. After screwing up my life and another persons life, I decided to get out of there and that’s only after i got pregnant and this guy proposed. I finally got a slap on my face that awoke me, but my soul was already lost so far and the way to reach it again looked so far away… but I remembered my ex and I said if I ever meet him again, how embarrassed I will be and disappointed he will be looking at his first love and what she is now. I had an abortion and broke up with the guy that i never matched with. I never wanted him from the beginning. He can never be the one i would wanna be with for the rest of my life, and hell no, not the father of my child.

I started working on me and getting back to who i was and even a better version of me. It took me 2 years and still going on now, but I am already in a very advanced place now. I’ve been single all these years. I rejected everyone who even tries to get to know me. I never felt more alone more than now, but all this happened because I did tell myself the truth that I was always afraid to face: I am the kind of person who falls in love once in her lifetime… no matter who I meet, better guys, successful ones. My ex will be the best version of the man i wanna grow old with.

It’s been 10 years now, and the feelings i had for him are still there, very protected in the deep of my heart and BRAIN. Recently, I heard news of him after 7 years of not knowing a thing. Just when i thought i will never ever be able to see him again (I believe in telepathy so maybe it is), or maybe just that old connection we had. I starter to feel it strongly again, it gave me hope again, that i didn’t know if i should hold on to it.

A friend of mine told me his facebook page: divorced, not a sign of his wife around, living his life alone. It’s all i could understand from some few comments and pictures i could get access to it without having him in my friend list. It’s been 6 months that I know of his facebook. Everyday, that damn message calls me so much I have to click on it. Maybe I can write a “hello” or just write “I love you. I always did and always will and i could never forget about you.” But am afraid. This is the only way i have that brings me close to him. If he doesn’t wanna hear from me, I will have to accept it and move on and i will never know of him again.

Maybe that’s better so i can finally close this page of my life. I know am not ready now and am not the person he once admired. I am still working on myself,  but ugghhhhh! As much as i love this technology, I don’t want a facebook message to be the thing we share after 10 years, Neither one of us is the talking type and i believe if i just get to see his eyes again and he sees mine, we will know where we both stand.

How do you guys see this???


 

Our Relationship Advice to You

What are you waiting for?!!
by Roberto

You’ve determined that you will only love one man the rest of your life. You found him and it appears as if he’s single. Why are you wasting another day not finding out if he feels the same about you?!!

What’s the worst thing that can happen? Actually nothing! You might have though it would be that he doesn’t want to talk to you, but even that is a good thing! Let’s say he has no interest in rekindling after all these years. What do you do now? MOVE ON! You met this guy when you were 15? And you’ll never love another?! Do you honestly believe that at 15 you had the wisdom to determine this man was the best thing you’ll ever know?

There’s only one way to find out! Message him. It doesn’t matter if it’s just a Facebook message. If he’s missing you too, then he will be overjoyed by whatever method you use to contact him. Don’t waste another second of your life pining away for “something that might have been” when you can find out TODAY whether your heart was right all along or if you simply created a god out of a kid you used to know.

The only thing you’ll ever regret in this life is something you were too afraid to do.


 

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He left his child to be with me

He left his child to be with me

he left his childValerie
Norfolk, UK

My partner and I met when we were 17. We were both each other’s first loves. Thing didn’t work out perfectly so I split up from him a year later, then moved away.

What I didn’t know is that he had been trying to find me for 33 years. Then last June, he found me on Facebook.

I was soooo happy. It was like we never left each other. We had an amazing long distance relationship for 11 months, then he moved to live with me. The sad thing is that he gave up his job and couldn’t see his young son anymore. They used to see each other often. He left his child so that we could be together.

Since he’s been with me, he’s been really unhappy since I live in the country and he’s used to the city life. Not to mention how much he misses his son. I don’t know what to do because he wants to move back to the city again. We both love each other very much but we just don’t know what to do. Please help.


 

Our Relationship Advice to You

Can you both move?
by: Rendiva

You really haven’t told us why he left everything to move to you (well, besides love). Why can’t you move to the city? Without knowing what your situation is, it seems like he gave up a ton of his life to be with you. Is it possible that you make a similar gesture and move for him this time?

Obviously, there could be a million reasons why you can’t, but have you ever considered something half-way? Perhaps you own your house. Maybe you can rent it or even sell it. Maybe you have an awesome job that’s way better than what he can do. Can you telecommute?

It’s sad when a life-time love like this gets ruined by stupid old circumstance. If you really want to save it, then you might have to sacrifice…


 

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I am your husband’s mistress

I am your husband’s mistress

Laurene S.
Ansonia, Connecticut

cheating confessionsI am your husband’s mistress. We do love each other. Not intentionally, but we do. You were once suspicious, and we stopped. For only a short time, and started to see each other again. This has been going on for 4 years. On and off. Mostly on.

You have NO IDEA he’s cheating. You apologized for even suspecting it. He goes home to you every night. Wakes up to you every morning. He spends every holiday with you. He listens to your day. You know (almost) all of his days. He has a routine that doesn’t falter. He is a dedicated father. He adores you. He brings you flowers and asks “will you marry me” when you answer the phone.

No one would think of him as a cheater. I’m the only one who knows the truth, and I am so dedicated to him, and only him, that I would never tell you or anyone for that matter.

I feel guilty for what we are doing, but I don’t want to stop.

I’m happy. He’s happy. You’re happy. You may think you’d want to know about us. The details of our intimate relationship. The times we’ve spent together. The things that we’ve said; but you don’t. You have him, not me.

I am your friend. You’d never suspect me to do this to you. We aren’t close, but have met several times and we know who one another is. We say friendly “hello’s” when we see each other.

We don’t talk about you. He doesn’t think about you when we are together. I don’t think of you when we are together.

He tells me he loves me. He doesn’t say he loves you to me, but I know, without a doubt, he does. Far more than he loves me.

I’m not his first, you are; but that’s okay. I’m okay with being his second. I’d rather be with him this way than not be with him at all. I am your husband’s mistress.


 

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Sending Mixed Signals

Sending Mixed Signals

sending mixed signalsby Sara
(Charlotte, NC USA)

We have dated before in the past and remained friends for two years. He’s changed so much: almost 360.

As soon as we start to get close this time around (dating) he pulls back. One week, he’s super sweet and kind of open, flirty etc. The next week, I can be around him and he will hardly touch me.

He was in a 13 year relationship that he just got out of 3 yrs ago. So he’s only kind of dated around since. I’m not completely sure, but maybe this is why?

Maybe he doesn’t know how to handle happiness in a serious relationship? Or maybe he’s afraid of his own feelings? How do I get him to meet me all the way? I’m not sure if i want to try this relationship thing with him again if all he is interested in is sending mixed signals. Help!

 


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