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"The trust is gone
Should I leave him?
Question submitted by Lota, Student
Hello there! I need advice. The trust is gone in my relationship. I'm 23 and my boyfriend is working already
and I'm still studying.
I've been with my boyfriend from 2008 (almost 5 years now). We broke up end of 2008, he broke up with me.
In 2009, I left town for college four hours away and I dated someone else. He came back to me two years ago so we're
in a long distance relationship now.
He used to cheat on me and emotionally torture me even though he doesn't think he was kind of emotionally abusive,
but since he is back he introduced me to his parents, aunts--his whole family. He said he wants to marry me
immediately after my degree. He had grown and treated me better and seemed like he wasn't cheating anymore. He is
so wise, so grown and he's changed for the best and I had grown to trust him. He found out that I dated another guy
when he broke up with me. It really hurt him but he got over it because we were apart and he had dated someone else too.
Recently, I lied to him and said I'm not going partying one night, he found out that I lied to him and I exchanged
numbers with another guy (which was just random because I wanted this guy just to transport me and my girls) I'm not
a cheat and I'd never cheat on my man.
After he found out about the lie, he said he doesn't trust me and broke up with me but forgave me the next day.
The problem is I don't believe that everything is OK. I feel like he will never trust me again and he will
eventually move on with someone else while he keeps me in the meantime. Apparently when a guy's trust is gone,
it is gone forever.
I don't want him to keep me for the mean time when he is busy fishing for a new potential
wife, I would feel used and worthless. Should I leave him and hope that he will come back if he really still
wants to marry me? If I ask him whether he will leave me for another girl he will never be honest about that.
So many women go into relationships thinking they will get married only to find that the guy had a 1 year limit
or 2 years limit and not long term, but this guys would never admit it in the beginning, they will rather lie
and say "I love you" etc... "
I'm confused. What should I do? I wanna leave him, if he loves me he will come back and marry me when he really
is ready for the marriage. I don't want him to use me just before he moves into another relationship. I really
don't want to be a in-the-meantime girl. Is this a good decision?"
How to know when trust is gone
Trust is a very tricky thing. For some people, you only get one chance to disappoint them and then it's over.
Other people are a bit more forgiving. For some people betrayal might range all the way from the tiniest kiss all
the way to sex or emotional affairs.
Somewhere within these ranges falls the problem of lying to your boyfriend.
If he feels you just made a little lie to save the annoyance of explaining who this other dude is, then
you probably still have a chance and this can be seen as a small speed bump. If on the other hand, he thinks you
are always lying to him, then your relationship might be in trouble.
Has he become more suspicious and more adamant about knowing your whereabouts? Does he keep bringing up
"The Lie" as if he knows for sure that there is another one coming? Do you feel like you are constantly needing
to defend yourself? You said that you aren't the cheating kind, does he believe you?
If the trust is gone, what now?
Existing in a relationship where trust is gone is like staying in a college class you know you are guaranteed to fail,
but you're not a quitter so you're going to give it your all at the expense of your GPA. There is a point where you have
to acknowledge the future and cut your losses. You are dealing with another person's beliefs and emotions here. Although
you can influence how they think, only the person himself or herself can change their mind.
Do you feel like you have done everything you can to
apologize and you've made yourself
honestly clear about what happened and what DIDN'T happen? It's never a good practice to lie to someone you love and
it sounds like you understand this completely, but if he has turned it into something that it's not (cheating, infidelity, etc.),
then you may have already been convicted of your crimes. Your actual innocence might not even matter.
Mistrust is a form of jealousy
Dealing with jealousy in a relationship is a never-ending struggle to prove yourself. If your boyfriend is a jealous guy,
he will become MORE jealous if you ever get married. There is something about sealing the deal that makes uneasy
people even more intense about their insecurities. It will never matter how much you desperately love them, you'll never
convince a jealous person once the trust is gone that you only have great and honorable intentions.
If you really think the trust is gone, then you need to decide right now what you want for yourself. Don't wait around
for him to come to his senses; he might never do it. Then you end up in a relationship where you never feel comfortable or safe.
It's time to decide what you need out of your relationship! If he's not doing any of it or only showing you the ghost
of his emotions, you can't simply hope he'll get back to where he was... especially if you feel he doesn't trust you anymore.
It's your turn for action!
Do you feel like he's got one foot out the door and he's on the verge of breaking up with you? You have a couple options:
- You can wait for him to dump you. Then you get to deal with all the pain and heartbreak of another relationship
- You can dump him. Force him to deal with his issues and his loss!
Of course, using a breakup is a cruel way to make someone deal with their emotions, but when the trust is gone and you
have tried everything you can to get him to see that you really have done nothing, then sometimes the more extreme measures are
your only option. Besides, if there is no way you can get him to change his mind about you, then there is no reason to stay in
a relationship where you will never be trusted. It won't matter how much you love him.
Doesn't it always happen that when you get dumped (even if you hated the relationship to begin with!)? The dumpee always
has to deal with a lot more than the person walking away. By giving your boyfriend the boot, it will force him to come to terms
with all the jealousy and mistrust he's heaped on you and he'll actually realize that he's been a lousy boyfriend. He might see
that he never really had an actual reason to mistrust you and he might also see that you are a pretty awesome girlfriend!
On the other hand, he might take it very well and walk away without any self-reflection. I know this might hurt a lot,
but it actually indicates how little he cared about you and your relationship to begin with.
Trust is gone: the OTHER option
You could force him into seeing the error of his ways OR you can make this the best relationship he's ever had. Turn a situation
where the trust is gone into something he wouldn't even consider walking away from!
There are a couple things you need to do. Step one is to work with a man's natural desire to work and fight for his girl.
In the book Melt Your Man's Heart, you will
discover how to crawl into his brain and tickle the happiest, most loving part of him and show him that you are an amazing woman.
Step two is to be deserving of his love. Sure, we can all say we want an amazing loving, driven, dashing boyfriend, but
without putting any work in on making yourself irresistible, you might always end up in relationships where trust is gone and
you find yourself feeling like another "place holder" until he finds another woman whom he really wants. You need the book,
The Art of Irresistible to put you on the right road with tons of easy little
things you can do TODAY to become a woman than men desire.
It sucks when the trust is gone out of a relationship, but if you put just a little work in on inspiring the both of you,
you'll never have to worry about not being loved again.
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