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“I can't understand
why we fight so much.”

Question Submitted by Laura, Sydney, Australia

I'm in a relationship and I need to know why we fight so much. Three days ago, I made my boyfriend really angry at me by yelling at him in front of my family.

We got into a huge fight over nothing and he ended up storming out and I followed him and yelled out stuff like, "They already know you're a sh*t boyfriend!" and various stuff like that. He hasn't talked to me since Friday night and it is now monday.

I've tried calling, leaving voicemails and texts saying that I was wrong to do that but he won't respond. He knows how upset I get and knows this would be killing me. I messaged him asking him just to say ANYTHING to tell me what's going on, even if it was just "leave me alone" and he responded, "I love you".

We have been going out for over a year and have gone through a few problems (one of which was him yelling at me in front of my friends in a public place, which I think makes this situation highly hypocritical considering that I talked with him straight away and forgave him).

I feel like after everything, he should talk to me by now! This situation has made me realize that maybe I can be a little too demanding or emotional (hence why the little fight got so big), and I really need to talk to him to tell him that. What do I do? Do I wait for him to contact me or do I contact him or go over to his house and force him to see me? We have spent EVERYDAY together since we started dating and this is the longest we have EVER gone without speaking. On one hand, I don't want to make it worse, but on the other hand, I don't think he should be completely ignoring me for three days, I think that's unfair.

What do I do in this situation?! Is it why we fight or how bad we fight? I love him so much and I can't stand the thought of being without him but I feel like it's my heart overruling my head with that thought. I just KNOW we can fix us with some changes, a lot being on my part.

Fighting in relationships

why do we fight so much?

Passionate people lead passionate lives. It's why we love. It's also why we fight. The problem is when you go too far and say things that you can't take back.

Before we get too deep into the reasons for why we fight and how to fix it, let's start by saying it's completely normal to have disagreements with the person you're in love with. When you put two people together, each with different opinions and upbringings, there will always be times when neither of you see eye to eye.

However, it is not normal to get into loud shouting matches where you call each other names in front of your parents. This does way more damage than you can see right now. For one, it completely humiliates both of you. What are your parents supposed to think about a man who you called "sh*t" when (and if) you ever introduce him as your husband? They will always take your side and consider him no good for you.

When fighting escalates to taking low blows like:

  • Bringing up "off limits" topics
  • Fighting in front of friends or co-workers
  • Fighting in front of family
  • Bringing up embarrassing topics (like sexual dysfunctions)
  • Taunting (like, "Are you gonna hit me? etc.")
  • Or vicious name calling

You are setting the bar higher and higher. Essentially, the lower you are willing to go when you fight, the lower you have to go the next time he makes you really angry. Does that make sense? If you called him a horrible name while you were fighting over a trivial topic, you will feel compelled to call him something much worse when he really screws up.

This situation can only spiral lower and lower and often leads to physical violence. And when you really think about it, this really is not why we fight.

Why do we fight

The number one reason why we fight is mainly due to anger issues. Whether it's you or him (or both of you) with anger problems, you need to check out the book and audio course, The Step by Step Guide to Anger Management. Learn ways that you can stop anger dead in it's tracks before it ruins everything you care about.

The worst thing about having anger problems is that it makes you do things that you'll always regret. Whether it's this relationship or the next, you will always face the same problems not matter who you are with. It's always easy to blame the other person for everything, when in actuality, it's always been you causing all the fights.

Problems like jealousy, mistrust, and even feeling taken for granted all stem from anger issues and lead to why we fight. The sooner you can get a handle on your anger issues, the sooner you can get back to loving your relationship.

Things you can do to fix it

It's one thing to say you're sorry and tell him you'll never do it again. It's another thing to actually do it. You need to show him that you are actually taking steps to make yourself better. It could be as simple as telling him you downloaded a book and it's really making sense to you.

Every city has some sort of meetings you can go to for anger management or you can even look into going to a relationship therapist. You don't have to drag him along, but if he's a fighter too, it might do him some good.

He's doing something brilliant right now: he's not talking to you! Let this be a lesson when someone has a meltdown on you. How do you feel right now? Terrible? What if he forgave you right away? You'd never get to this point where you are actually considering making some changes. If there can be a good reason as to why we fight, here it is.

He's probably doing a little soul searching himself.

When it comes down to it, fighting in relationships and the benefits of why we fight are these very moments where we learn to grow. This is your chance to really look into why you feel the need to create drama and perhaps, if you have a pattern of only dating guys who are also ready to fight.

The bad side of fighting

All of this advice assumes that you two are only at the point of acting crazy and name calling. What if the fighting turns physical? This is a VERY BIG DEAL. When fighting with your boyfriend takes the path of either of you pushing, hitting, choking, or any violent physical contact, now you are in a whole new ballgame.

If you are the one who pushes or slaps him, STOP IT! You are only creating a situation where he is forced to respond. If the only thing he can think of at the moment is violence... poof! Now you are smack-dab in the middle of an abusive relationship. And why we fight is no longer about resolving conflict and only about degredation.

What if he's the cruel one? Now you really need to look at yourself. Why are you with this guy? Consider this: He will always solve his problems by treating you like garbage. Yeah, you love him and all that stuff, but the fighting will only get worse. Check out the book, The Counterfeit Heart to really see how you got into this situation. Get yourself a little perspective and see what you can do to fix it.

Asking why we fight is not as important as what we learn about each other in the process. Remember these feelings you are having right now and use that to fix yourself and your relationship.

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