She’s getting married to her abusive boyfriend, but she still flirts with me.
Question submitted by Babel020202, Office worker, Arkasas
A male reader wonders why women go for men that are no good for them…
“I have been flirting a lot with a co worker. She has been flirting more that I have, but it seems mutual. She has been with her abusive boyfriend for a year and engaged for a month or so. She feels she is stuck in the relationship.
He has been physically and emotionally abusing her. She has no financial or family support in the area, so she doesn’t feel she can leave him since they live together. She has been coming on to me and told me she want to spend time with me, as well as hook up.
So, I am at a lost, because I feel like she is someone I could see a future with, but she is engaged, and the last thing that makes me think it is OK, is she is being abused. So, what do you think???”
She needs help, but you might lose her
Unfortunately, the grip of an abusive boyfriend is a very strong one. Sure, she might like you and she might even make a great girlfriend, but her abusive boyfriend has her trapped, both financially and mentally.
The sad thing is there is very little you can do about it short of dragging her to a counselor. Even then, she might get really angry with you and your chance to be with her is over.
There is no doubt that she needs to be freed from this guy because marriage will make her life a lot more miserable. You just need to decide how much you care for her and if that includes losing her.
If you can resign yourself to permanently pissing her off and never talking to her again, call up a local abuse hotline. The number is in any phone book. And see if you can arrange for someone to meet her in a neutral location to just talk to her. Of course she might be very grateful for this, but odds are, she’ll resist and then get very angry at you for “misinterpreting” everything she said.
Pain tends to make people feel alive and somehow special. That’s what makes domestic abuse so prevalent. She is clawing for ways to escape her abusive fiance(and getting your attention because of it) but my guess is that the abuse was happening before she decided to get engaged to this guy. It’s a sick and ugly circle.
She needs help and it would be amazing if you helped her, but make sure you’re not doing this for purely selfish reasons.
What if it’s you that is in an abusive relationship?
It’s pretty weird to think back and try to figure out how you got yourself into this situation with your abusive boyfriend. The problem is that it doesn’t just happen all at once. Abuse happens gradually and goes in stages.
At first it’s offhanded remarks that affect your self-esteem. That eventually works into insults. Insults lead the way to jealous behavior and controlling. Pretty soon he’s putting you down and trying to limit your friendships and family visits. Once you are isolated, then the real abuse happens…
It really doesn’t matter how all of this happened. The problem is that you are so far away from that perfect little love you two shared in the beginning. How can you get back to how it all started? The answer is simple, yet I’m afraid it’s a hard one to hear:
You will NEVER get back to how things used to be.
All of the precedents have already been set. The moment he insulted you and you didn’t defend yourself, the moment he tried to control you and you let him, that first time he pushed you and you came back… The time that he actually hit or choked you…
Of course he came back grovelling and told you how you meant the world to him, but that won’t stop him from doing it again. People simply don’t change and you can’t waste one second of your life hoping that your abusive boyfriend will “get better” or see his issues and fix them.
If you really want him to get better, he has to hit rock bottom. That includes losing you. To be blunt, just by the mere fact that you are still there, everything is alright. He knows that he can push you around all he wants and you’ll simply take it.
Go! Leave! Get out! Do it!
Of course it’s not always that easy, but the reality is that it really is! That first big step is the hardest, but everyone after that is less and less painful. Your abusive boyfriend has you convinced that you can’t live without him. You’ll be poor and living on the streets. No one will help you and no one cares about you like he does.
Let’s examine this…
You managed to live most of your life without him. Even in this crappy economy, getting a job is easy if you don’t care what you do. Your friends and family might have left your life because of your abusive boyfriend! They are so tired of watching you wreck your life by staying with such a loser. They simply can’t give any more emotion towards watching you suffer. The moment you leave him, they will be there! Let’s say that you still think no one will come to help you. There are tons of shelters for abuse victims in EVERY city!
Go on the internet. Look in a phone book. Go to any church and tell them you just left your abusive boyfriend and they WILL get you all the assistance you need.
You’re not gonna do it
I don’t mean to call you a wimp (because you already have someone in your life to make you feel like garbage). All I’m saying is that, statistically, women stay in abusive relationships and live out their lives in suplicating misery.
If you don’t do anything else to get yourself away from your abusive boyfriend or husband, do me one teeny little favor: Could you please check out, Unstoppable Confidence and take a few steps to gaining back your self-worth?
You are good. You are beautiful. You are talented. And you DESERVE to have love and all the happy, sensual, smooshy things that go with it. You simply have to know deep down in your heart that you are worthy.
If you’re really banking on the notion that your abusive boyfriend can change, the only way he ever will is if you change first.