How do I get him to express his feelings better?
Question submitted by Carol, Office worker, Villa Park, IL
I’m really trying to understand his feelings. My current boyfriend and I dated 20 years ago and recently started seeing each other, but he lives three hours away. I am currently separated.
I have visited his home several times and when Im there it is like Im the most important person. He treats me great: introduced me to all of his friends, went to go see all of his family, referred to me as aunt to nieces and nephews. He has taken a trip an hour from his home with me to let me see old friends.
He is always concerned if Im OK, or upset, before I go home, hell automatically always check to see if the car is clean, fluids are right etc. He makes me feel right at home in his home. I can answer his phone, even his cell phone (which is unbelievable). When I visit it is not all about sex, we are constantly going and doing things. When I would ever leave he would always give me kiss goodbye and huge hug like he didnt want to let go.
The problem is he won’t call me too often, due to my situation at home, and gets mad easily since Im not telling him specifics of impending divorce, as I’m still working through that.
He knows how much I care, however, he doesn’t tell me his feelings. I am friends with his sister and she’s filled my head with all kinds of information telling me he loves me and wants me to move there etc. I needed to get answers to some questions and was unable to reach him so I sent him a letter, basically telling him my feelings, telling him what was going on with the divorce, and asking him for clarification on items which is sister has been telling me.
I was not asking for commitment, but rather clarification on what he wants to happen. He received letter and still has not called me, but did call his sister and asked what in the world she has been saying to me. She denied everything. One of things she told me is he doesnt think Ill get divorced. I know he has been hurt several times in the past. What do you think his feelings are about me?”
The mystery of men’s feelings
Most men don’t even like to acknowledge they have feelings. Somehow, it makes them weak or less of a man. Being a woman (who never has a problem with her feelings), it’s hard to be around a guy who’s all closed up about his feelings.
So how do you get him to open up? A man will only discuss how he feels about you when he reaches the boiling point. Basically, he’s so full of these weird feelings, he can’t help it but blab them all over the place.
It is your job to get him here!
But how? The best way is to get him so jazzed about you, he doesn’t know what’s going on! Isn’t that the eternal question? How do your get a man stupid in love with you? Many books have a small piece of the puzzle, but we think we’ve found one that really works… It’s called Rousing the Lion and it’s absolutely brilliant on how to make your man feel so much like man, he’ll tell you everything he’s feeling just like your best girlfriend!
Talk to him in person
Back to Carol’s situation: it’s so hard to figure this stuff out over the phone or email. There is absolutely no replacement for talking to someone in person. When you can’t look into his eyes and hear his voice, its almost impossible to understand how he feels about you. You’ve gone to his place in the past, now is the time to hop in the car and go. Definitely call him in advance, but go to him. You need to work some things out and it has to be face-to-face.
Be open with him
Do you really want to keep this guy around? It definitely sounds like you do. So the only way to figure out his feelings is to tell him about your feelings. His sister has already told you he doesnt think youll ever get a divorce, so its time to start talking about your divorce! Let him know where you are with it and show him what steps you are taking to get into his life.
Great relationships are based on great communication. Learn how to be open and honest with him. In this brilliant audio program, Conversation Confidence, you’ll discover how to get everything you want by learning how to say what you mean. This system is really invaluable especially if you often have problems with someone always misinterpreting what you say.
You’ll never be able to get into his head and learn his feelings if you can’t express yours very effectively yourself.
Leave everyone else out of this
You had a good thing going by being able to talk to his sister, but I think you might have hurt him by telling him the source of your information. Not to mention, you might have strained his relationship with his sister by mentioning you two are talking about him. It’s not a very comfortable situation for a guy if he knows someone he likes is sharing information with someone whos known him forever.
That doesn’t mean you have to stop talking about him with his sister, just don’t tell him you are! You might have already blown this outlet for information on what he’s thinking, but if you ever get yourself into another situation like this, dont ever reveal your sources!
Get a divorce
What are you doing, Carol? Do you want this divorce? Are you still holding out on patching things up? Either way, you’re sending only one signal to your boyfriend:unavailable! He’s getting frustrated with you and thats understandable. All people are searching for some sort of stability. He can’t fully explore his feelings because you are unable to offer yours completely.
We know that its not that simple and you just cant wake up one day and decide to finalize a divorce. There’s assets to divide and possibly children to protect. But if its over, its over. Its time to make some compromises and get outta there! You can’t start your new life outside if you can’t get through the doorway
Dont get a divorce
What if he’s right and you’re never going to get a divorce? Only you know for certain. If there’s even a slight hope in your mind that you can patch things up with your estranged husband, then maybe you should put some effort into that. There is a great eBook called Should You Stay or Should You Go, If you’re at all on the fence about staying with your husband, then you should give this book a read. What it provides is simple questions (many you’ve never even considered). A divorce done right is about tying up as many loose ends as you can so this man can’t come back to haunt you for the rest of your life, but you might owe it to the love you once shared to at least see if you can make it work.
Be completely honest with yourself
Don’t ever try to convince yourself that this is more or less of a relationship than it is. The new guy sounds like a peach! He’s kind, loving, and interested, but he’s also distant, guarded lives three hours away from you!
Do you have to move to make this work? Do you think you will feel trapped because you went from a marriage to a move in? Are you ready for the next big relationship or do you think you should blow off some steam? How well will you be able to manage (financially, emotionally, etc) if you have to move? Can you give yourself completely again or are you still a little (or a lot!) hurt?
Once again, this eBook is invaluable to finally confront all the issues you are avoiding. Every new love deserves their own fresh start. If you really in your heart believe that this new guy is a great future for you, then get up! Get smart! And get moving! Its time to start living your life.
This brings us back to your man. Basically, theres no great way to get inside his head and start working on his feelings until you start working on your own situation. He won’t open up because he knows he can’t completely have you with all your stuff going on in your life. Stop trying to pressure him into revealing his innermost feelings and instead start trying to show him that you are lovable and an irresistible babe who he’d be stupid not to fall in love with.