Its hard asking for relationship problem advice!
Somehow it feels like failure. Getting relationship problem advice is a step in the right direction. It helps you to admit that there actually is a problem. And unhealthy relationships never just get better without both people committing to working things out.
In relationships, problems can go from leaving the toilet seat up/down all the way to physical and mental abuse so it will be difficult to get you the right advice every time. Lets start with a few pointers to put you in the right frame of mind.
There’s a great book called Should You Stay or Should You Go by Susie and Otto Collins that poses all the important things you need to think about especially if you plan to keep this man around. Sure, fighting in relationships will happen from time to time, but if you’re constantly having relationship issues and always asking for relationship problem advice and it’s making you unhappy, it’s time to decide if the relationship is damaged beyond repair. This eBook will really set you on the right track!
You might consider that you are part of the problem.
This one is the trickiest so we will mention it first. Unless your boyfriend is a complete sociopath or sadist who enjoys making you suffer, its pretty rare that people hurt each other on purpose. If he has anger problems or just shuts down and becomes unresponsive, what caused this? Think back to anything you might have done or said to make this happen. Everyone has boundaries and issues they just dont want to talk about. By bringing these things up, you might be setting off his mood swings.
Dealing with it.
You have to know: so ask. Starting things off directly is really the only way. You could ask, “Are you upset with me for bringing up your finances [or insert what you think the problem is here]?” Be specific. ”Are you mad at me?” is way too general and gives him the opportunity to answer with a yes or no. One word answers won’t get you any closer to resolution.
By guessing at what brought on this relationship problem, you are showing him that you really are trying to consider his feelings. If you guess right, it works as a sort of pre-apology by acknowledging you messed up. All that’s left is how to apologize so that you both can move forward.
You might find that it has nothing to do with you. People deal with stress in many different ways. Job worries, family issues, health and money problems, and just plain old depression could make your boyfriend not seem the same. By asking him about his problems, you give him an opportunity to share them. Believe it, he’ll feel better afterwards.
Its not your fault.
Wait. How can you go from I’m the problem to I’m not the problem? In some cases, it really has nothing to do with you. People get really depressed when their love feels broken. There are times when the only relationship problem advice you need to hear is that it’s not your fault. He might just be going through issues and has no way to communicate how trapped he feels by them. He might not know how to reach out to you and ask for help.
Dealing with it.
As with most relationship issues, the only way to solve it is to talk about it. Asking descriptive questions that need full-sentence answers is your goal. Once again, trying to guess at his problems (and guessing right) gets you closer to figuring things out.
You can start with, ”Are you bummed out about [problem]? Because I really think we can figure this out together.” If he says no, then tell him, ”You seem [sad, angry, depressed, anxious, etc]. Your happiness means everything to me. Ill do whatever it takes to get you back to the happy you.”
Some people never change.
That’s some pretty tough relationship problem advice to hear. You might be basing your entire relationship on the fact that he is going to accomplish the one thing he always talks about and things will be different. It’s possible he may never make that accomplishment. Not only that, the longer you have heard him talk about his dream with little direction towards achieving it, the less likely he is to get there.
Actually, we need to define change. Anyone can learn to pick up after themselves or to do small tasks but it takes a major upheaval for people to change the way they act. Some people have to hit absolute bottom before they figure out how to be considerate or appreciative or whatever. When you dont follow good relationship problem advice and assume things will be different if, your relationship is bound to end in failure.
Dealing with it.
Stop banking on his potential. If things are pretty cool now and you could see yourself happy in the same place five years from now, then great. If you are waiting for him to conquer his dreams and demons before you can finally start living, you might think hard about where you need to be in your life to be happy. That might not include your current boyfriend. An unhealthy relationship can take years away from your life. Don’t wait around forever.
You dont assert yourself enough.
Lazy dudes love girlfriends who let them get away with murder. They show just enough affection to get by and then POOF. They’re gone either physically or mentally and only come back when they need something. Bad behavior is sometimes inexcusable. If he gets away with doing something bad without you getting too upset, then he’s free to repeat and often gets worse.
Dealing with it.
Get angry! If you wouldn’t tolerate this behavior among your friends, why would you accept it from someone who supposedly loves you? When he disregards you or calls you names, you need to correct him right there. He needs to know that what he just did is not cool with you and you will not stick around and let him mistreat you.
Studies have shown that most physically abusive relationships start out as verbal abuse. Our relationship problem advice is to NEVER allow him to call you names in anger. If he ever calls you a bitch or anything you find offensive, walk away. LEAVE. Get the hell out of there! When you have both calmed down (at least the next day), then you can come back and lay down the law. The next time he calls you a name, he is gone. You better mean it, or this will never work.
Most people respond to this kind of ultimatum, but the biggest part is the leaving. Turn your phone off and don’t talk to him for as long as you can stand it. Sometimes it’s what you don’t say that makes the loudest statement.
Of course, this is just the tip of the iceberg. There is way more relationship problem advice for every situation. Please visit our relationship questions section and get personalized information on solving what’s unhealthy in your relationship.