When Should I Say I Love You
Question submitted by Stephanie, 36, Rome
“I need to know when should I say ‘I love you.’ I’ve been seeing a guy for 3 months now and neither one of us has said ‘I love you’ yet. I’m pretty sure he’s feeling it and I know for sure that I love this guy, but I don’t want to mess things up like last time by saying it too early to a guy who’s commitment-phobic.
I don’t think this guy is afraid of commitment, but the last guy I dated was great. We had awesome times together. The sex was phenomenal. Everything fell perfectly in to place and then I ruined it by saying I love you and he bailed before I could finish the sentence.
I don’t want to wreck another great thing by being too forward. How do I know when I should say I love you?”
For most guys, timing is everything
Notice I said, “For most guys.” It sounds like the previous guy was the cat’s meow until you made things all serious on him. Most dudes can handle a little affection and honesty, however, there are many out there that will only keep you around as long as things are fun and light.
What you failed to recognize is the kind of man you’re dealing with, but don’t worry, we all do this. The amazing thing for all of us is that there is a perfect book written about how to figure out what kind of guy you are dealing with and how to get him on board for commitment. It’s called the Male Mind Reading System and it’s perfect for figuring out when to say the big words.
I’m not saying there is anything wrong with the fun guys, because they are pretty obvious from the very beginning. The guys who are afraid of commitment are pretty easy to spot: they usually don’t own anything that doesn’t have wheels on it. They never talk in absolutes (like saying “never”). They are always really fun to be around and avoid conflict. On the surface, they seem to be perfect…
And then they hear the “L” word.
A guy that fears commitment will saw off his own legs and drag himself out of your house just to get away from something so serious and scary. Who’s fault is it? It’s easy to tell your friends he has the emotional maturity of a newborn, but if you look back, the signs were all there. He was keeping things light because that was all he was capable of. You chose to ignore all of the signs and said the one thing that’s like kryptonite to Mr. Fraidypants.
When is the right time to say I love you?
If you’re about to say I love you for the first time, good for you! You have found a guy that has what it takes to capture your heart. But before you go saying anything that is going to “change things,” take a moment to consider where he is. Read this article on how to spot the signs he’s in love with you.
Do NOT bother with “when should I say I love you” unless you see one or two of the signs that he loves you too. If he’s not being at least a little bit different in your presence, then your I love you might not reach it’s point.
This is a valuable lesson about learning to key off his moods and amplify any feelings he has for you. Some guys will actually feel the love but be paralyzed to say it out loud. If you can get him when he is swelling with feelings, this is the perfect time to say I love you. Learning how to measure a man’s feelings is vital and is explained deeper in the book, The Art of Irresistible.
How men love
Women tend to figure out they are in love with a guy while he’s doing something that she really likes. Men tend to figure things out in her absence. Think about that for a second. If you’ve heard the saying that men have one-track minds, it’s true about more things than sex. Men can’t really think when you are always there to distract deep thought.
This can work in your favor by creating a way to not see him for a few days. Once you’re gone and he understands how empty he feels without you, he will come to the conclusion that he loves you. So…
- When should I say I love you part one: Say I love you after you’ve been apart for a little while.
Men love to feel virile and that they have actually conquered your heart. Everything comes easy to men in today’s world. They don’t get any outlets to prove themselves any more. This is really damaging to a man’s ego. Seriously!
If you can get a man to feel that he conquered you in some way, he will feel that swell of emotions guys get when they do something big. And those feelings will translate to love if you time it properly. This is a brilliant notion that you should always remember. In fact, I recommend you read the book Rousing the Lion to understand how important conquering really is to a man. After reading this book, you will be able to get any man to do anything for you!
- When should I say I love you part two: Tell him you love him right after he’s done something to impress you.
When does he impress you? Who cares! It could be as cool as getting a raise at work or something as silly as beating his friend at a game of ping-pong. If he’s feeling pride over something he just did, tell him you love him and he will automatically attach those great feelings to love and to you. I always recommend saying it right after a particularly spirited sex session. Guys love it when women tell them they are good in bed! You can make when should I say I love you into a gift simply by your timing.
One final time that’s perfect is right when he’s acting like he wants to say something. Some guys just can’t put feelings into words. It confuses them and they get really flustered. If he’s showing all the signs and he’s struggling with the words, put him out of his misery and say I love you to him!
- When should I say I love you part three: Beat him to the punch and tell him if you know he’s trying to figure out how to tell you.
You said “I love you,” now what?
Don’t dilute your message! Some people like to repeat it and hear it over and over again. Eventually the phrase “I love you” loses all meaning.
Don’t let this happen by only telling him you love him when he has done something to earn it. This may sound counter-intuitive or mean, but you already know this is how he thinks. If you only deal it out when he works for it, he will always keep working for it.
Don’t ever let it get to the point where you say it before hanging up the phone or whenever you leave each other. You’re not really getting his love when it comes to this, you’re training him to repeat phrases. People complain that after a certain point in a relationship, they lose the connection with their loves. This is the reason. When you make love a daily and mandatory expression, then how can he express it when he really means it? Don’t make when should I say I love you a mundane thing.
Keep love precious and you will keep your relationship powerful for a very long time.
All guys are different when it comes to how they express love. It’s great that you are falling in love, but to do things right, you need to pay close attention to how he’s feeling. Stop asking, “When should I say I love you” and start looking for great opportunities to tell him when it will have the most benefit on his feelings for you.