Is forgiving infidelity even a good idea?
Thats really up to you. Forgiving infidelity isn’t the first step in trying to save your marriage or relationship. The first step is a step backwards. That’s right, back up and take a look at your relationship. Why was your boyfriend cheating? It helps to first know why do men cheat?
There might be something really important that is missing from the relationship that you might not be able to offer. Then again, the relationship might not really be that strong. To be completely honest, it might not even be worth saving.
Is the relationship worth saving?
Beyond him damaging your trust, how is the rest of the relationship? Imagine a tornado just came through and ripped the roof off your house. You could easily put a new roof back on, but if the house was in bad shape to begin with, it might not be worth it. It all comes down to how strong the foundation is.
Is he a good man and companion? Does he treat you lovingly and with respect? Is he reliable and able to handle his own affairs? Does he clean up after himself? Some of these questions might seem a little superficial, but by your decision of surviving infidelity and rebuilding trust, you are essentially given a one-time shot to re-evaluate your entire relationship.
To put it bluntly, if the relationship sucks already, dont bother forgiving infidelity! On the other hand, if hes an awesome guy and this is the first major problem, then hes worth keeping around. Putting a new roof on a house with a broken foundation is pretty dumb
There is a great book on this subject that will give you the right perspective. Should You Stay or Should You Go not only asks all the questions you might not have even considered, it also help you figure out if you are going to forgive WHY you are forgiving and WHY you are going to make it work. Trust us, without knowing this, you will always second-guess yourself for forgiving him for cheating on you.
Does he know why he hurt you?
Some guys feel sorry they got caught. Some guys understand that they have shattered your trust and need to do everything in their power to gain it back. If he’s telling you to, “get over it already,” not a good sign. On the other hand, if he seems as torn up as you, he’s definitely worth saving and forgiving infidelity is a great option.
Take time to heal
You know and he better know that healing does not happen overnight. It might take months before you feel safe enough to let him back into your heart. In the mean time, you can basically get him to do anything you want. That’s right, he’s stricken with guilt and very serious about earning back your trust. You can work him like a dog to let him prove he’s changed his cheating ways.
Even though it’s pretty easy to exploit this, don’t go too crazy on this one because he might decide its not worth it to stay.
Put him on a quest
However, it is very important to put him on a quest so that he can feel like he’s proving himself and that forgiving infidelity is your best move. A quest? It sounds ridiculous! Believe it. This will go far to helping both of you heal after infidelity. Make him paint the house. Make him get a better job. Have him write you a song about how much he loves you. If you want to learn how to make your relationship incredible using this method, we can’t say enough good things about Rousing the Lion. Maybe “go paint the house” is a little heavy handed. This book teaches you very elegant ways of holding his interest. If you’re really going to forgive him and give this a second chance then you should do everything in your power to make your relationship bulletproof!
No request is too silly right now. He feels like an ass and desperately needs a way to prove his love for you. Without some grand quest, he won’t feel like he’s sufficiently said he’s sorry for cheating. He might also start to question his love for you. If you give him something to fight for, this will really cement why he loves you in his mind. It also gets him away from you for a while so you have time to yourself.
A quest is the perfect thing to help him realize that you are the only girl for him. It also makes him understand why he can’t cheat in the future.
Do something to heal yourself
Part of forgiving infidelity is understanding why you are giving him a second chance. Right now it feels like he kicked you in the heart, but with time and putting your life back on track, you will understand you made the right decision (provided he’s worth saving).
So what can you do to heal yourself after he’s cheated on you? Easy! Something you’ve always wanted to do. Go on vacation. Go back to school. Go parasailing. It does not matter. If you have always wanted to do something, you have to do it now while he’s willing to do whatever it takes to make you happy.
What if money’s tight and everything you want to do is expensive. Then there is his quest. If you told him, “You have really hurt me and it’s made me realize that I am so busy being your girlfriend/wife that I have let my dreams slip away. If you really love me, you will help me find a way to [go to India, become a nurse, write my novel, etc.]” You might as well go ahead and click here and get started on your new life! Besides, one of the reasons he might have cheated on you could be that he doesn’t feel excited about you anymore. Now that he’s helping you to become awesome, he’ll get back that attraction of being with a dynamic person.
Let it go
When handling infidelity, there is a point where you must let it go. Wash the images from your mind. Don’t keep throwing it back in his face and be at peace with it. You can’t put in all this effort of saving the relationship then keep reminding him that he’s a lecherous jerk.
Forgiveness is about making things right with you-in your mind. It really has nothing to do with him and his feelings. If you just can’t get over it, then the relationship is over. Period.
If you decide that you will give him a second chance, then it’s important that you make some changes in yourself! In the eBook, The Magic of Making Up, author T.W. Jackson discusses some really powerful ways to make sure your man won’t cheat on you again. The more dynamic and whole you can make yourself, the more he will understand on a very fundamental level how much you mean to him.
However, if you know you can’t let things go, there is no reason (your possessions, your dreams, your children) to stay in a situation where you’ll never forgive him and silently make both of you miserable for the rest of your lives. If you have decided that forgiving infidelity is your choice, then forgive him! Get on that road to rebuilding trust and get back to loving him for everything lovable about him.