“He’s moving after college. Is it over?”
Question submitted by Kim, Michigan
“So, I’ve been dating a great guy for the past two months. Everything is going pretty well. As of right now, he will be graduating from college at the end of this fall semester.
Here’s the problem: previous to us dating, he had mentioned that he’s moving to Brooklyn, NY after he graduates just so he could have free rent. Now that we are dating, I guess I somewhat assumed that he would stay here now as opposed to going to Brooklyn.
Except today, he kind of brought it up again. What should I do? I have it really bad for this guy but I’m not sure I want to invest more time and emotion into a relationship that could pretty much over in six months.
On the other hand, I don’t think he knows exactly what he wants to do anymore either. Not to mention, I don’t know how to talk to him about this in the first place. Help. What do I do?”
What’s your situation?
When you finally figure out that he’s moving and you are looking at a possible long distance relationship or leaving him all together, your decision should all be based on where you’re at.
Long distance relationships work provided they aren’t permanent. You are really into this guy. He’s moving after college and you’re wondering where this leaves you. It’s important to look at all the scenarios that could happen.
Why is he moving? Free rent is a pretty weak excuse, but this is New York City. I’m sure everyone who lives there would see free rent as the holy grail. So what will he be doing in New York? Is he following a dream or career path or will he just be working odd jobs and enjoying cheap living in a very expensive city?
Would you ever consider moving to be with him? Might this rent situation include sweet little you? Could your career and goals include moving?
Is it possible that he will eventually move back to be with you or you both can meet half way in a city you are both drawn to?
Long Distance Relationships need a projected ending
The only way to hold on to hope now that he’s leaving is that time in the future when you will be together again full-time. If he’s just rolling out with no clear vision on where you fit in, then he’s simply just rolling out on you. Either way, a long distance relationship will NEVER work unless you guys create an action plan and set up some ground rules.
You are going to have to get a handle on your inability to talk about these things and do not let him leave without defining what this relationship means to him! It might seem like you will be pressuring him or you might scare him away because you are being clingy, but you need to know!
If you guys don’t at least talk about a scenario that includes you being together at some point, then you have nothing to hope for if you decide to keep this guy in your life. He gets to keep an emotional pacifier back at home to talk to (and occasionally sleep with) and you get to be the basket case waiting for something to happen. You must talk things through if you have any hope of making this work.
This is where I must point you to some required reading. Your current problem with your boyfriend moving is that you have done nothing to assert yourself here. To put it simply, you haven’t made him know, without a doubt, that you want to keep him around. The Unstoppable Confidence Course is really going to teach you how to get what you want. If you have any problems whatsoever with discussing important things, this course will turn you into a superwoman!
Can you stop him from leaving?
Sure! It sounds like he doesn’t have a focused direction anyway. Your only hope is to be the most valuable thing he has in his life. People don’t want to lose things that are seen as irreplaceable. The more he notices that you are the best thing he will ever have, the more attractive sticking around becomes.
How can you do that? This whole website is dedicated to that little notion! However, the easiest thing by far is how you make him feel. If you are able to crawl into his mind and give him the things he craves the most, then you become valuable.
What does he crave? All men crave a purpose more than anything else. Back in the old days, guys knew what they were: protectors, providers, hunters, builders, etc. Now what is he? There is something or someone to handle all of the essentials for life, so what is he now? Here is the best secret you can ever find: read Rousing the Lion and you’ll find out ways to give your man a purpose.
Purpose=meaning=direction=happiness. Who put him on this quest? YOU! So then why is he so happy? YOU! When you learn how give meaning to a man’s life, you go from he’s moving to he’s moving in!
You can’t stop there. It’s impossible to keep a good man around forever if you never work on yourself also. You still have to be Irresistibly attractive and completely adorable. It also doesn’t hurt being in great shape and ravishingly sexy, but definitely start helping him to build a deep connection with you.
Don’t be a dream killer
Do you want to keep him around purely for your own selfish reasons? Sometimes letting him see that you support him following his dreams and that you want him to achieve greatness shows how cool of a girl you really are.
If he stays just to remain in your new relationship, he will resent you for it later on. Maybe the possible fact that he’s moving soon will set you in motion to becoming the best girlfriend (and maybe wife) ever. This could be a very good thing for the both of you! But If you don’t have any goals other than keeping him close, then this relationship is eventually doomed to fizzle.
Let him go if he’s going for glory. Let him go if he’s excited about the experience of living in one of the biggest cities in the world. Let him go if this will make him a better person. This doesn’t mean you have to dump him because he’s moving. It only means you have to fight harder for what you want out of the relationship.